Found this post again among the files I managed to “salvage” back when my site’s host failed me. This one’s dated June 19, 2009, but I still think it serves as a good reminder for me.

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We just came home from our good friends’ bridal shower and stag party (same house, different rooms for the men and women). I have to hand it to Steph’s (the soon-to-be bride) siblings…you all did a great job organizing it! The theme was anything kitchen, which I loved since all the prizes were useful. Had I known, I would have participated more than I have instead of just eating during the first few games!

** fast forward**

The last activity was for the married couples to give tips on “How to have a happy marriage”. This is what I came up with in the few minutes given to us:

H- Have a clear vision for your marriage. How do you want your marriage to look and be like?

A- Appreciate more than criticize. The latter is easier to do, but the former feels better and actually  yields much more results.

P- Pray together. I acknowledge that apart from the grace of God and complete reliance on Him, I probably will be more prone to doing everything else contrary to what the Bible teaches us on having great marriages.

P- Pay attention to each other’s needs and desires. “Pay attention” being the key word here. “To Each other”, too.

I- Inspire your partner to dream big. You have the wonderful privilege of being your spouse’s number one fan; being the president of his/her fan club— with front row seats and VIP passes to all the great things that he/she will be doing!

….You also have the power to crush all those dreams— in which case, you both end up just watching from the bleachers.

N- Never stop trying out new things. Having a routine and having responsibilities don’t have to be boring. It’s really up to both of you.

E- Enjoy sex.  (this one, ONLY when you’re ALREADY married!) ….No explanations needed.

S- Serve each other. You are in that marriage to serve and build up….not the other way around.

S- Savor every moment, even those that seem insignificant. Marriage is one exciting union! Every moment together is a blessing and is made to be a joy. Don’t just let those moments pass you by (parang Kodak lang yan…)

If any of you have other tips, feel free to write them!   I love learning from all of you!

PS: Mika’s on her way to recovery. She’s starting to eat again! yipee! ...(**Aah….so Mika was sick last June 2009, eh? Well, she’s been one healthy little girl since last year! )

**edit:

PPS: May I add? Can we change the spelling of “happiness” by adding one more -s at the end???

S- Say sorry. A lot of times, this is more powerful than the words “I love you”.  :)

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photo: theminimalists.com

Found this in my office file this morning. It’s dated August 24, 2011. I think I wrote it down someplace else because we didn’t have internet that time.

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I attended the Metro Manila Staff Meeting the other day and was glad to once again hear Pastor Steve Murrell give a short word to exhort the staff.

The main point of his message was on remembering. “Memories are what guard the soul”, he said. Of course, there are some memories that are better left stored away in the deepest recesses of the brain, or if possible– erased, but for the most part, memories are what keep us grounded.

If we remember how we were before Christ saved us and did his transforming work in us, it humbles us.

If we remember how God always came through for us and has remained faithful, it encourages us.

If we remember what life has taught us even through the mistakes we have made, it makes us wiser.

Remembering can really be a good thing for our souls.

The same is true for our marriages. Remembering the right things can guard our marriages and keep us strong. I say “the right things” because we certainly would not want to remember and keep a record of wrongs—either ours or our spouse’s. Remembering the right things can definitely make our marriages sweeter. Too often we can get caught up with life that we fail to remember just why we married this man/woman we wake up to every day. What a blessing it is to remember how you both were when you were still getting to know each other or when you were on your honeymoon stage. If we remember what we said in front of the altar on our wedding day, there will be less fights and less couples frustrated at each other.

Lord, thank you for the gift of memory. Thank you for reminding us to remember, because we are such forgetful people. Help us to remember the right things in our walk with you, and in our marriages. Help us to go through life enjoying and building more memories. 

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photo: rpmbold.wordpress.com

You know how they say that every moment is a teachable moment? Whether we are at home playing or eating, or out caught in traffic, there is always an opportunity to teach our little ones.

I’ve embraced that “truth”. I admit I have a tendency to over-explain things (meaning, explain even trivial matters), but I do try to be as concise as I can possibly be as I do this.

With Alyanna, it seems that my efforts in explaining are never in vain. I can always see that she understands what I try to tell her, and she is even able to explain or challenge other people’s opinions and actions based on what she has come to understand as truth or what’s right.

Mika, on the other hand, well…. she’s Mika…..

CORRECTION/TEACHABLE MOMENT NUMBER ONE:

(While teaching her to honor and respect others with her words)

ME: “Mika, you have to be very careful with your words. You know your tongue is like a sword, it is so powerful….”

MIKA: *interrupts and beams as she has a light bulb moment* “Lite a swort but with teeth and a mouth??”

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TEACHABLE MOMENT NUMBER TWO:

(Out of the blue, while eating)

MIKA: “You know, diba mom Jesus died for us on the tross (cross)?   Hala. That’s why we need another Jesus na. Let’s  find another Jesus.”

(Uhm, anak, idolatry ata tawag dun!)

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CORRECTION/TEACHABLE MOMENT NUMBER THREE:

(While trying to settle a dispute between the two girls)

MIKA: (trying to defend herself and explain what had happened) “No I didn’t do any-tin to huh but she keets sayin that I did any-tin to huh! (I didn’t do anything to her but she keeps saying that I did….I think she meant ‘something’… to her)

ME: “So who’s lying and who’s telling the truth?”

MIKA: “I’m not lyin’! Achie’s lyin!’”

ME: “Mika, you know the Bible tells us to keep our tongue from evil and our lips from speaking lies. Lying is a sin. Do you know that?”

MIKA: “Yes.”

ME: “Do you know what lying means?”

MIKA: “Yes.”

ME: “What does it mean?”

MIKA: “Not obeyin’ you?”

ME: “Mika, lying is when we are not telling the truth; when we are not telling what really happened only and when we make up our own story. SO are you making up your own story or are you telling me the truth?”

MIKA: “ Telling you the truth.”

ME: “Are you telling me the truth or making up your own story?”

MIKA: “Making up my own story.”

Hmm…Oh no. I know where this is going……nowhere.

Like I said, she’s Mika.

Each time I begin to think that Mika is finally getting something I am teaching her, she makes sure to let me know otherwise.  A lot of times, I have to ask for discernment to know whether it’s innocence, ignorance, or rebellion disguised in cute’s clothing. Still, I do not stop planting seeds of God’s Word because I just never know when it will finally click and she would finally get it.

After all, the clicking part is not really our job anymore. We can plant the seeds, but we can’t force the growth out of them. All we can do is be faithful in planting and cultivating, guiding and praying…..and wait for God’s Word to grow in their hearts and  bear much fruit.

I was trying to make sense of my schedule tonight. Without realizing it, I have been saying yes to people and yes to a lot of responsibilities since the beginning of this year (or has it been this way for a number of years now??), more than what is necessary. It’s so much easier to say yes, isn’t it?? I don’t have to feel bad for turning down some people or some tasks….as long as I say yes. Of course, it is also such a joy to spend time with people and to build relationship with them. My love language is time, so any invitation to hang out is difficult for me to say no to– especially when there’s food involved (correction: my love language is time AND food). Almost always, I am more than willing to spend my time doing things that I love, for people that I love (or I’d love to get to know and love)…and forget about how much time I can actually afford to give them. For example, I’d set an appointment with someone and tell that person I can meet her for an hour. An hour would pass, then two, then three..and I still would not be able to find it in me to tell that person that I have to go and do something else. I tell myself that I’d just adjust the rest of my schedule and try to offset whatever time was  ”lost” by waking up extra extra early or sleeping extra extra late. Of course we all know that this would domino down to the household duties, parenting duties, wife duties….and all other areas we still need to take care of. This happens with all other chores too. I love taking care of the home, so much so that I don’t mind not sleeping just to finish whatever task I am preoccupied with.

If I just look at things superficially, everything actually looks fine. It is good that I spend time with people. It is good that I make sure the house is orderly. It is good that I am with the kids practically everyday. It is good that I can do ministry stuff that I so love, in support of my husband’s work. It is good that my nights are more or less set to be with Dennis. It all looks good.

“Looks” good.

But I just know I need to do some tweaking. I feel I am spreading myself too thin, compromising whatever BEST I can actually give to my family.

So tonight I listed down everything that I have on my plate (I wonder why this sentence makes me want to go out and grab something to eat??). I ended up overwhelmed, having a whole web of words on my notebook! I actually had to solicit Dennis’ help, since he is my schedule-and-strategy go-to guy. He helped—–a bit. He was able to get two things off my plate, but that was about it. His conclusion was: “There’s really not much you can do about your responsibilities, except put a specific time for each of those names/tasks…or to put a specific name to your time.”

Gee. Thanks a lot. :I

No, really… Thanks a lot. Put a name to your time— I hate to be legalistic with my time, but this may be what I need to focus on in the next couple of months or so…get used to putting a name to my time, and not let another name take over.

Hmm….there’s a word for this……

Is it DISCIPLINE??

Ah. Don’t we all love this word?

Anyway, as I was attempting to make sense of my days, I began to wonder how I made it last year with everything that went on. It was by far the most unstable year for us and I could not even figure out how we managed to get by. Then I remembered my other mom-friends who have to work aside from having to fulfill their tasks at home. Then I thought of my other mom-friends who have a lot more kids than me, and also minister to a gazillion number of people.

I could only conclude one thing from tonight’s thought-processing: The only way for me to have had managed the way I did so far has been by grace, and that’s how I will continue to manage. The only way that all my other mom-friends (both working and stay-at-home) are making it is by grace. As my friend Belle would put it, “Best friend natin si Grace” (“Grace is our best friend.”).

I pray for all of you, mom-friends– both “working” in and out of the home, that grace will be your best friend.

That our definition of getting by is not just being able to manage for purposes of survival, but being able to manage with much joy… and our sanity well in tact, too. I pray that this week, we will be able to say no to the things that are really not a matter of life and death, and say yes only to the things that God calls us to do.

To summarize: Let us make this week Project Plato. For me, this would entail unloading some things off my plate, which God is not really telling me to do, and also– literally unloading my plate…. each time I eat.

We can do this!!!!

Us parents seem to have an automated recording each time we bring our kids someplace where they are expected to at least be decent social beings. “Behave, okay?” Whether we will be there to watch them or not, we give them the usual line-up of behavioral prompts: “Remember to say Good morning.”, “Always share your toys.”, “Don’t hit.”, “No fighting.”, “Listen to the teacher.”, “Obey.”, “Be quiet.”, “No running.” In the more recent years, we have been told to use positive statements as much as possible, replacing “Dont’s” with “Do’s” instead. They say that the kids’ brains (or our brains in general) register only the last part of each do/don’t do statement. This means that if I tell my kids, “Don’t run”, their brains would register “run”, and so even though they know that mommy just told them not to run, they have a hard time obeying because the subconscious brain is telling them only the second part of that imperative, which is, to “run”. It follows, then, that I should instead tell my kids to “Please walk”, so that they would– on a conscious and subconscious level– want to just “walk”.

Okay… honestly, I’m not so sure if what I just told you regarding the reason behind all the positive talk is really what I’ve read from way back (last year?), or if my brain just totally made it up, but it does make some sense right? It can actually pass for a scientifically-sound reasoning. Again, I’m not sure.

It doesn’t matter anyway. That’s just a long introduction to my main point. You see, I could go the route of giving positive prompts to my kids, and give them a long list of how they should behave in a particular social setting…but I know they would only be capable of remembering so much. I believe in the principle that there is more to what we say than just words. Our words are a reflection of what’s in our hearts. In the case of what we say to our children, what we tell them could actually make impressions in their hearts. “Mom wants me to behave, or else she’ll get disappointed.”, “People will like me only if I behave this way.” “I will be accepted as long as I do this.”

I used to do this a lot to my first-born, Alyanna. I’d give her a long speech of how she should behave each time. Being the conscientious, high-belief little girl that she is, it usually worked— but for the wrong reasons. It was out of fear of being reprimanded or out of the desire to be accepted and approved of by others. I tried it, too, with Mika. being the carefree little girl that she is, it usually just frustrated me. She never seemed to remember any of my reminders! I thought rephrasing them into “do” statements would make the subconscious remember to obey??? Nope– not the case with her.

Long story short, I use a different approach with them now. Going back to the principle that my words can make an impression in their hearts, and that ultimately it is the heart we want to target, I now don’t spend as much time telling them how they should behave as much as I do in trying to guide them how they process their behavior. The whole point of why they should behave is to be a blessing to others, to show God’s love to others by loving them as well. Everything else would fall under this premise. “I will share because it is the loving thing to do.” “I won’t hit because that would not be showing God’s love at all.” “I will behave and be mindful of others because it is the honoring and loving thing.” In cases where they would have to decide how to behave, and it is a case I haven’t oriented them with, they could just think for themselves what the loving thing to do is.

To summarize this, instead of always telling our kids to “behave”, why not try reminding them to “be a blessing” instead? And pray with them each time, thanking God for always being with them to help them and for being the one who enables them to become the blessing that He has intended them to be.

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photo: media.photobucket.com

We brought the kids to a play place yesterday. A few months ago, bringing them to a place like this would not have been worth it, since they used to get overwhelmed by the high slides and huge play area. Yesterday was different— Alyanna actually maximized what they had there. Mika, on the other hand, well…was herself. She tried to be more courageous, but for the most part was still scared.
I wish I brought a camera with me. (Why do I always forget this particular note to self to always bring my camera?!?!) Alyanna was having the time of her life sliding down what she considered were “giant” slides. Each time she slid down, she made sure I was watching her. She wanted me to cheer for her and later on applaud her for her courage.

“Mom! Look mom!!!”
“Mom! Am I brave??”
“Mom! Is this nice??”
“Mom! Am I pretty in this dress??”
“Mom! Look! Did I do a good job??”

It wasn’t just yesterday’s bravery she wanted me to take note of. Almost every time, Alyanna would seek my approval and affirmation. She needs to hear that she did a good job. She needs to hear that she’s beautiful. She needs to hear that her work is nice. And I see the same thing in Mika….and in other kids…and in other grown-ups….and in myself.

Us humans are generally hungry for approval and affirmation. Some psychologists would call this the basic need of belongingness, or basic need of being loved. Others would call this insecurity. Whatever it really is, I just know that a lot of us tend to function with this need in mind— “I need to belong. I need to be accepted. I need to be appreciated. I need to be loved.”. We tend to respond to people and our relationships according to this craving. We are generally approval addicts. It’s no wonder why it is so easy to get offended by someone who regards us negatively, and why we tend to favor people who we know actually favor us. It’s no wonder why there are many who put up a front and pretend to be someone they’re not, for fear of being frowned at. From getting “Wow! Good job!” exclamations in Kindergarten, to getting high grades during the elementary years, to being part of the varsity in high school, becoming the leader of a prestigious organization in college, getting promoted at work, being patted on the back for being a good wife/husband, mom/dad, to getting so many “likes” on Facebook and having the most number of followers in Twitter……it is so easy for us to be driven by how people would view us and “approve” of us. It is so easy to forget the very reason why we do things, why we should give our best, why we should try to become better….and just resort to doing all these in order to satisfy our approval addiction.

Perhaps we are this way because God made us so. When He created us and the whole universe, He made it a point to stop and affirm the beauty of His creation. “It is good!“, He would say. Maybe this was the first thing that Adam heard, and why this is usually the first thing we long to hear. But then sin entered the picture. Now, because of sin, we can never be good. And because we fall short of God’s glory, we tend to search for that “It is good!” sign of approval elsewhere, forgetting that the story of mankind doesn’t end with falling short and with sin. Jesus entered the picture. He fulfilled all the good that God required….all the good that we can never fulfill. I am reminded of what Tullian Tchividjian said:

Because Jesus was strong for me, I am free to be weak;

Because Jesus won for me, I am free to lose;

Because Jesus was Someone, I am free to be no one;

Because Jesus was extraordinary, I am free to be ordinary;

Because Jesus succeeded for me, I am free to fail.

I am free to lose. I am free to be weak, I am free to be no one, I am free to be ordinary, I am free to be myself and not have to prove myself because now I know that I, in fact, have nothing to prove. The only reason why I can now once again hear God say “Good job, my child!” is not because of anything I have done or am doing now but because of what Jesus has done for me.

Going back to our little people….our children will always be asking for our approval and affirmation. With each art project and each milestone, our children will be waiting for our applause. Is this wrong? Not necessarily. It is just a reflection of what their hearts desire. But we need to show them that what they truly should long for is not their parents’ approval, but that of their Maker. And if they are old enough, maybe we can explain to them that if they believe in what Christ did for them on the cross, they already do have God’s seal of approval, and they don’t have to prove themselves anymore. They don’t need to get their “fix” from other people anymore. They are loved. They are accepted. They are approved of….unconditionally.

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photo: truthtalk.com.nz