Found this post again among the files I managed to “salvage” back when my site’s host failed me. This one’s dated June 19, 2009, but I still think it serves as a good reminder for me.

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We just came home from our good friends’ bridal shower and stag party (same house, different rooms for the men and women). I have to hand it to Steph’s (the soon-to-be bride) siblings…you all did a great job organizing it! The theme was anything kitchen, which I loved since all the prizes were useful. Had I known, I would have participated more than I have instead of just eating during the first few games!

** fast forward**

The last activity was for the married couples to give tips on “How to have a happy marriage”. This is what I came up with in the few minutes given to us:

H- Have a clear vision for your marriage. How do you want your marriage to look and be like?

A- Appreciate more than criticize. The latter is easier to do, but the former feels better and actually  yields much more results.

P- Pray together. I acknowledge that apart from the grace of God and complete reliance on Him, I probably will be more prone to doing everything else contrary to what the Bible teaches us on having great marriages.

P- Pay attention to each other’s needs and desires. “Pay attention” being the key word here. “To Each other”, too.

I- Inspire your partner to dream big. You have the wonderful privilege of being your spouse’s number one fan; being the president of his/her fan club— with front row seats and VIP passes to all the great things that he/she will be doing!

….You also have the power to crush all those dreams— in which case, you both end up just watching from the bleachers.

N- Never stop trying out new things. Having a routine and having responsibilities don’t have to be boring. It’s really up to both of you.

E- Enjoy sex.  (this one, ONLY when you’re ALREADY married!) ….No explanations needed.

S- Serve each other. You are in that marriage to serve and build up….not the other way around.

S- Savor every moment, even those that seem insignificant. Marriage is one exciting union! Every moment together is a blessing and is made to be a joy. Don’t just let those moments pass you by (parang Kodak lang yan…)

If any of you have other tips, feel free to write them!   I love learning from all of you!

PS: Mika’s on her way to recovery. She’s starting to eat again! yipee! ...(**Aah….so Mika was sick last June 2009, eh? Well, she’s been one healthy little girl since last year! )

**edit:

PPS: May I add? Can we change the spelling of “happiness” by adding one more -s at the end???

S- Say sorry. A lot of times, this is more powerful than the words “I love you”.  :)

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photo: theminimalists.com

Found this in my office file this morning. It’s dated August 24, 2011. I think I wrote it down someplace else because we didn’t have internet that time.

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I attended the Metro Manila Staff Meeting the other day and was glad to once again hear Pastor Steve Murrell give a short word to exhort the staff.

The main point of his message was on remembering. “Memories are what guard the soul”, he said. Of course, there are some memories that are better left stored away in the deepest recesses of the brain, or if possible– erased, but for the most part, memories are what keep us grounded.

If we remember how we were before Christ saved us and did his transforming work in us, it humbles us.

If we remember how God always came through for us and has remained faithful, it encourages us.

If we remember what life has taught us even through the mistakes we have made, it makes us wiser.

Remembering can really be a good thing for our souls.

The same is true for our marriages. Remembering the right things can guard our marriages and keep us strong. I say “the right things” because we certainly would not want to remember and keep a record of wrongs—either ours or our spouse’s. Remembering the right things can definitely make our marriages sweeter. Too often we can get caught up with life that we fail to remember just why we married this man/woman we wake up to every day. What a blessing it is to remember how you both were when you were still getting to know each other or when you were on your honeymoon stage. If we remember what we said in front of the altar on our wedding day, there will be less fights and less couples frustrated at each other.

Lord, thank you for the gift of memory. Thank you for reminding us to remember, because we are such forgetful people. Help us to remember the right things in our walk with you, and in our marriages. Help us to go through life enjoying and building more memories. 

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photo: rpmbold.wordpress.com

Us parents seem to have an automated recording each time we bring our kids someplace where they are expected to at least be decent social beings. “Behave, okay?” Whether we will be there to watch them or not, we give them the usual line-up of behavioral prompts: “Remember to say Good morning.”, “Always share your toys.”, “Don’t hit.”, “No fighting.”, “Listen to the teacher.”, “Obey.”, “Be quiet.”, “No running.” In the more recent years, we have been told to use positive statements as much as possible, replacing “Dont’s” with “Do’s” instead. They say that the kids’ brains (or our brains in general) register only the last part of each do/don’t do statement. This means that if I tell my kids, “Don’t run”, their brains would register “run”, and so even though they know that mommy just told them not to run, they have a hard time obeying because the subconscious brain is telling them only the second part of that imperative, which is, to “run”. It follows, then, that I should instead tell my kids to “Please walk”, so that they would– on a conscious and subconscious level– want to just “walk”.

Okay… honestly, I’m not so sure if what I just told you regarding the reason behind all the positive talk is really what I’ve read from way back (last year?), or if my brain just totally made it up, but it does make some sense right? It can actually pass for a scientifically-sound reasoning. Again, I’m not sure.

It doesn’t matter anyway. That’s just a long introduction to my main point. You see, I could go the route of giving positive prompts to my kids, and give them a long list of how they should behave in a particular social setting…but I know they would only be capable of remembering so much. I believe in the principle that there is more to what we say than just words. Our words are a reflection of what’s in our hearts. In the case of what we say to our children, what we tell them could actually make impressions in their hearts. “Mom wants me to behave, or else she’ll get disappointed.”, “People will like me only if I behave this way.” “I will be accepted as long as I do this.”

I used to do this a lot to my first-born, Alyanna. I’d give her a long speech of how she should behave each time. Being the conscientious, high-belief little girl that she is, it usually worked— but for the wrong reasons. It was out of fear of being reprimanded or out of the desire to be accepted and approved of by others. I tried it, too, with Mika. being the carefree little girl that she is, it usually just frustrated me. She never seemed to remember any of my reminders! I thought rephrasing them into “do” statements would make the subconscious remember to obey??? Nope– not the case with her.

Long story short, I use a different approach with them now. Going back to the principle that my words can make an impression in their hearts, and that ultimately it is the heart we want to target, I now don’t spend as much time telling them how they should behave as much as I do in trying to guide them how they process their behavior. The whole point of why they should behave is to be a blessing to others, to show God’s love to others by loving them as well. Everything else would fall under this premise. “I will share because it is the loving thing to do.” “I won’t hit because that would not be showing God’s love at all.” “I will behave and be mindful of others because it is the honoring and loving thing.” In cases where they would have to decide how to behave, and it is a case I haven’t oriented them with, they could just think for themselves what the loving thing to do is.

To summarize this, instead of always telling our kids to “behave”, why not try reminding them to “be a blessing” instead? And pray with them each time, thanking God for always being with them to help them and for being the one who enables them to become the blessing that He has intended them to be.

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photo: media.photobucket.com

My heart is overwhelmed. As we celebrate Father’s Day today, I realize how blessed I am to be surrounded with awesome fathers.

First, there’s my dad.

I realize how blessed I am to have grown up having a wonderful dad who never failed to affirm me of his love. I grew up having my dad as my best friend. With each milestone I had growing up, it was my dad who celebrated with me. With every low point in my life, it was my dad’s shoulder I cried on, and my dad’s voice that I longed to hear. Each time I felt unsure of myself, papa was there to reassure me that I was precious and special.

I love you papa. I love how up until now you call me up out of the blue,  just to tell me you miss me and are thinking of me. I love how I have to pretend I find you all cheesy and corny, each time you start telling me that I am still your baby. Please don’t get tired of telling me that, even though each time you do it, I tease you that it’s just a telltale sign that you’re getting old(er). I love how you have always been there to teach and correct me, all with the premise that it is because you love me. I love how I know I can still run to you and cry on your shoulder and how your voice is one that I will always look forward to hearing. Thank you for making it easier for me to understand God’s love for me, for you have displayed it through your life. I love you so much papa. I love you, and I will never tire of saying that over and over again. I love you.

Then there’s my Father-in-law.

Papa, your smile always makes me feel that things are alright. You have a stillness in you that assures me that things are under control. You often are so quiet, yet you say a lot with how you treat everyone around you. Instead of giving lectures, you teach us by sharing your life. You always have all of our best interests in mind, and I thank you for that. Thank you for your strength. I Thank you for the security of your love. Thank you for being an example to us. I love you so much papa.

Taking after him is the father of my kids, Dennis.

Love, our kids are two of the most privileged kids in the entire world because they have you for a dad. I am forever grateful to have you as my partner in raising up our kids. It is such a joy parenting our children with you. Oftentimes it is the mom that gets the credit, each time our kids excel at something. But we all know that a huge part of however our kids turn out, or whatever they come up with, is really because of you.

Thank you for your selflessness, your protection, your love, and your support. Thank you for intentionally being there for us. I know playing teatime will never come naturally to you, but you do it anyway. I know that listening to all the girl-talk will never be one of those things you’d come to understand, but you pretend to understand anyway.

I am confident that our children will grow up secure, because they are blessed with a dad who loves them unconditionally, and who models God’s love for them. I am confident that our children will grow up loving God with all that they’ve got, because they have a dad who loves God with all that he’s got. I am confident that our kids will grow up knowing that they are favored and blessed, because God gave them you for an earthly father.

I love you. Thank you for always aiming to become the best dad for our children. Thank you for always pursuing God and His likeness, as you aim to become the dad that God wants you to be.

To all the dads,

Thank you for rising up to the challenge of taking the lead in your families’ lives. I pray that you will continue to do this with much love and grace. I pray for strength and wisdom as you go and fulfill the role that God has placed upon each of you. I pray that you will have a vision that through your loving leadership, the next generation  can grow up secure that they have a destiny and will live with purpose.

Above all, there is You, my Heavenly Father.

Apart from you, I am nothing. Apart from you, I can do no good thing. But because of you, I have everything.  Through you, I can do all things.

Father, thank you for who you are in my life. Thank you for being my King, my God, my Lord, my Father. Thank you for the privilege of going through life with you.

Thank you for loving me first. Thank you for loving me with an unconditional and everlasting love. Each time I fail you (which is a lot of times), you still choose to love me, and you tell me that I’m forgiven. Thank you for loving me with a love that I cannot even begin to describe, and I have no other desire but to receive. I love you so much, God. Thank you for the promise that you will never leave me nor forsake me. Thank you for the security that You alone can give me. Thank you for the satisfaction that I find in nothing and no one else but You.

You are the King of kings, the God of the Universe, the Maker of heaven and earth….. and You said that I am your daughter. Aaahh…..What could ever compare to that???

Happy Father’s Day to all!

Play and listen to classical music while pregnant.

(Are there other ways to ensure you have a healthy and brilliant child even while in the womb?? Do it!!!)

Give birth via Lamaze.

Exclusively breastfeed up to two years.

Stimulate your child’s brain from birth.

Encourage your child’s development as early as possible— the first three years of your child are critical in determining how they would turn out in the future!

Give your child a headstart. Enroll your child in school as early as possible. The only way for them to survive in the next decade is to have a competitive edge.

Potty train your child before he/she turns one.

These are all the “great” advice I heard and followed when I had my first child. These were what all the books and articles and marketers would tell me when I tried to research on how I could “love” my child best and raise my child well. At that time I didn’t know any better.

Of course I wanted the best for my child! Who doesn’t?? Of course I wanted my child to be brilliant and possibly be a genius! Who wouldn’t??

And so I did what every loving mother would do: I played and listened to classical music during pregnancy; I gave birth via Lamaze; I exclusively breastfed up to two years; I hand-made several “infant-stimulating” devices and toys (too expensive to buy!); At some point I tried to potty train before my child was really ready; At one point I tried to enroll my child at an early age…all those things that a “loving” mother would do for her children. No less than the BEST.

But was it really all for my children?? Or was it all really for me? Did I really do all those things because I knew that was how God wanted me to raise my children, or did I do all those things because it was what the world was telling me to do?? Did God set that standard for me, or did I set that for myself? Was it really to give my children no less than the best, or was it because I wanted to feel good about myself — to be able to say that “I did this….because it was for the best” with a sweet smile of false humility?? Was I honoring God “more” because I did all those things, or was I trying to take part in His glory??

What about those who did not get to do all those “advice” and live up to the “best standards”, for reasons that no one would even care to know? ….Does that mean they love their children any less?? Does that mean they don’t give their children their best??

We live in a world that sets us moms up for two things: a sense of shame when we fail to perform according to the “BEST” that’s expected, and a sense of pride when we are able to perform according to its “BEST” standards. Sadly, we easily enter into this trap. We live in a world that’s so performance-oriented, that even how we are when pregnant and how we give birth and how we feed our children now have the ability to dictate how we see ourselves as mothers.

I really have nothing against some of these pieces of advice, because a lot of them are actually scientifically sound and backed up by studies, and really are good for our children. I would still hope to give birth via Lamaze for all my future pregnancies because I want my labor to be as free from drugs (medicines) as possible; and I still look forward to nursing my future children for as long as I can and as long as it’s healthy. All these are well and good, but it always goes back to the heart. Once we do things out of fear (our kids might end up stupid, our kids might end up sickly, our kids might up….drugged??), then something is not right. Once we do it with any hint of wanting to be patted on the back and get the “Mom of the Century” Award, something’s off.

I know I seem to be taking it to the extreme.  Why, I wouldn’t deny that I LOVE it when people compliment me on my child-rearing and parenting. I love it when I get noticed for all the hard work and sleepless nights that I do that oftentimes do not get any recognition. I love it!

But this is also exactly why I constantly have to check my heart. It’s nice to get recognized. It’s another thing to want to get the glory. It’s nice to be complimented on our parenting skills. It’s another thing to make that the goal. What makes one different from the other is pride.

“The Lord opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” (James 4:6; Proverbs 3:34)

I’d rather go after the grace. I know sooner or later I won’t be able to keep up trusting on my own efforts. I know sooner or later I would realize my performance just won’t do. My skills just won’t be enough. My knowledge would be….zero. I know sooner or later I would always be reminded of how clueless I am and inadequate I am as a parent….left to myself.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in (your) weakness.”  (2 Cor. 12:9)

I’d rather move in the grace. I’d rather do things with the premise that I am not doing things on my own and for myself. I choose to experience God’s perfect power  rather than my mediocre ability.

“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”  (Philippians 4:13)

At the end of the day, I’d rather do things through Christ, who strengthens me. Instead of striving to create a “super-talented-extremely-gifted-genius-breastfed-infant-stimulated-everyday-educated-superchild”,  I’d rather look to Him and take my instructions from the One who created my children in the first place.

I dare not forget that I am, in fact, able to do all these things only through Christ, who gives me strength and grace…. And that His GRACE given to me and my children, will always be better than any of the “BEST” that I can give to them.  :)

Growing up, how did you imagine life to be?

How did you see yourself as a married woman? What kind of man did you dream of marrying? How did you envision the father of your children to be? What kind of life did you dream of living?

I’m sure all of us have answers to these questions. All of us grow up with a certain picture of how life would be for us. We all hope for a particular kind of life– either one just like what we grew up with, or one very much unlike it. Either way, we all desire something from life.

It’s no different when we talk about marriage. I do not know of a sensible person who starts a family without any goals and dreams. In fact, why get married if you don’t have any goals for your union, right? Let me use another word in reference to these goals and dreams– let’s name them “Desire”.

Desire is one thing that all of us have in common upon entering relationships. It is the one thing that keeps us excited and makes us look forward to the next day of being with that person we have fallen in love with. Desire is what makes us women especially look forward to that day when our man would ask us to marry them and we say yes. Desire is what makes men ignore their fears and decide to take on the challenge of being called a husband and soon, a father. Desire is a gift from God. Desire is a beautiful thing.

…BUT, we must be careful not to let these desires turn into something else. A lot of times, something magical happens when we get married; These desires take on a new name–”Expectation”. Unlike desire, expectation says “you have to do/give this or else…”. Expectation makes us lose that feeling of excitement and hope because now we wake up and everything is just an obligation that we have to fulfill. With expectation, wives tend to lose that sense of admiration and respect for their husbands because now he is just doing what he’s supposed to do as the man of the house. Expectation causes men to forget all about that unconditional love they promised to give their wives because now wives are just performing her duties. All of a sudden, all the joy, unity, intimacy, and beauty in a relationship fade because the desires have become something that God never intended.

God has loved us with an unconditional love– and He has commanded husband and wives to love the same way.

My prayer is that I will always remember to say thank you to my husband for EVERYthing he does for us–from getting me my favorite wheat pandesal, to trying his best to provide for us….and for our desires to remain as such, until the day they become reality for us.