You know how they say that every moment is a teachable moment? Whether we are at home playing or eating, or out caught in traffic, there is always an opportunity to teach our little ones.

I’ve embraced that “truth”. I admit I have a tendency to over-explain things (meaning, explain even trivial matters), but I do try to be as concise as I can possibly be as I do this.

With Alyanna, it seems that my efforts in explaining are never in vain. I can always see that she understands what I try to tell her, and she is even able to explain or challenge other people’s opinions and actions based on what she has come to understand as truth or what’s right.

Mika, on the other hand, well…. she’s Mika…..

CORRECTION/TEACHABLE MOMENT NUMBER ONE:

(While teaching her to honor and respect others with her words)

ME: “Mika, you have to be very careful with your words. You know your tongue is like a sword, it is so powerful….”

MIKA: *interrupts and beams as she has a light bulb moment* “Lite a swort but with teeth and a mouth??”

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TEACHABLE MOMENT NUMBER TWO:

(Out of the blue, while eating)

MIKA: “You know, diba mom Jesus died for us on the tross (cross)?   Hala. That’s why we need another Jesus na. Let’s  find another Jesus.”

(Uhm, anak, idolatry ata tawag dun!)

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CORRECTION/TEACHABLE MOMENT NUMBER THREE:

(While trying to settle a dispute between the two girls)

MIKA: (trying to defend herself and explain what had happened) “No I didn’t do any-tin to huh but she keets sayin that I did any-tin to huh! (I didn’t do anything to her but she keeps saying that I did….I think she meant ‘something’… to her)

ME: “So who’s lying and who’s telling the truth?”

MIKA: “I’m not lyin’! Achie’s lyin!’”

ME: “Mika, you know the Bible tells us to keep our tongue from evil and our lips from speaking lies. Lying is a sin. Do you know that?”

MIKA: “Yes.”

ME: “Do you know what lying means?”

MIKA: “Yes.”

ME: “What does it mean?”

MIKA: “Not obeyin’ you?”

ME: “Mika, lying is when we are not telling the truth; when we are not telling what really happened only and when we make up our own story. SO are you making up your own story or are you telling me the truth?”

MIKA: “ Telling you the truth.”

ME: “Are you telling me the truth or making up your own story?”

MIKA: “Making up my own story.”

Hmm…Oh no. I know where this is going……nowhere.

Like I said, she’s Mika.

Each time I begin to think that Mika is finally getting something I am teaching her, she makes sure to let me know otherwise.  A lot of times, I have to ask for discernment to know whether it’s innocence, ignorance, or rebellion disguised in cute’s clothing. Still, I do not stop planting seeds of God’s Word because I just never know when it will finally click and she would finally get it.

After all, the clicking part is not really our job anymore. We can plant the seeds, but we can’t force the growth out of them. All we can do is be faithful in planting and cultivating, guiding and praying…..and wait for God’s Word to grow in their hearts and  bear much fruit.

Us parents seem to have an automated recording each time we bring our kids someplace where they are expected to at least be decent social beings. “Behave, okay?” Whether we will be there to watch them or not, we give them the usual line-up of behavioral prompts: “Remember to say Good morning.”, “Always share your toys.”, “Don’t hit.”, “No fighting.”, “Listen to the teacher.”, “Obey.”, “Be quiet.”, “No running.” In the more recent years, we have been told to use positive statements as much as possible, replacing “Dont’s” with “Do’s” instead. They say that the kids’ brains (or our brains in general) register only the last part of each do/don’t do statement. This means that if I tell my kids, “Don’t run”, their brains would register “run”, and so even though they know that mommy just told them not to run, they have a hard time obeying because the subconscious brain is telling them only the second part of that imperative, which is, to “run”. It follows, then, that I should instead tell my kids to “Please walk”, so that they would– on a conscious and subconscious level– want to just “walk”.

Okay… honestly, I’m not so sure if what I just told you regarding the reason behind all the positive talk is really what I’ve read from way back (last year?), or if my brain just totally made it up, but it does make some sense right? It can actually pass for a scientifically-sound reasoning. Again, I’m not sure.

It doesn’t matter anyway. That’s just a long introduction to my main point. You see, I could go the route of giving positive prompts to my kids, and give them a long list of how they should behave in a particular social setting…but I know they would only be capable of remembering so much. I believe in the principle that there is more to what we say than just words. Our words are a reflection of what’s in our hearts. In the case of what we say to our children, what we tell them could actually make impressions in their hearts. “Mom wants me to behave, or else she’ll get disappointed.”, “People will like me only if I behave this way.” “I will be accepted as long as I do this.”

I used to do this a lot to my first-born, Alyanna. I’d give her a long speech of how she should behave each time. Being the conscientious, high-belief little girl that she is, it usually worked— but for the wrong reasons. It was out of fear of being reprimanded or out of the desire to be accepted and approved of by others. I tried it, too, with Mika. being the carefree little girl that she is, it usually just frustrated me. She never seemed to remember any of my reminders! I thought rephrasing them into “do” statements would make the subconscious remember to obey??? Nope– not the case with her.

Long story short, I use a different approach with them now. Going back to the principle that my words can make an impression in their hearts, and that ultimately it is the heart we want to target, I now don’t spend as much time telling them how they should behave as much as I do in trying to guide them how they process their behavior. The whole point of why they should behave is to be a blessing to others, to show God’s love to others by loving them as well. Everything else would fall under this premise. “I will share because it is the loving thing to do.” “I won’t hit because that would not be showing God’s love at all.” “I will behave and be mindful of others because it is the honoring and loving thing.” In cases where they would have to decide how to behave, and it is a case I haven’t oriented them with, they could just think for themselves what the loving thing to do is.

To summarize this, instead of always telling our kids to “behave”, why not try reminding them to “be a blessing” instead? And pray with them each time, thanking God for always being with them to help them and for being the one who enables them to become the blessing that He has intended them to be.

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photo: media.photobucket.com

We brought the kids to a play place yesterday. A few months ago, bringing them to a place like this would not have been worth it, since they used to get overwhelmed by the high slides and huge play area. Yesterday was different— Alyanna actually maximized what they had there. Mika, on the other hand, well…was herself. She tried to be more courageous, but for the most part was still scared.
I wish I brought a camera with me. (Why do I always forget this particular note to self to always bring my camera?!?!) Alyanna was having the time of her life sliding down what she considered were “giant” slides. Each time she slid down, she made sure I was watching her. She wanted me to cheer for her and later on applaud her for her courage.

“Mom! Look mom!!!”
“Mom! Am I brave??”
“Mom! Is this nice??”
“Mom! Am I pretty in this dress??”
“Mom! Look! Did I do a good job??”

It wasn’t just yesterday’s bravery she wanted me to take note of. Almost every time, Alyanna would seek my approval and affirmation. She needs to hear that she did a good job. She needs to hear that she’s beautiful. She needs to hear that her work is nice. And I see the same thing in Mika….and in other kids…and in other grown-ups….and in myself.

Us humans are generally hungry for approval and affirmation. Some psychologists would call this the basic need of belongingness, or basic need of being loved. Others would call this insecurity. Whatever it really is, I just know that a lot of us tend to function with this need in mind— “I need to belong. I need to be accepted. I need to be appreciated. I need to be loved.”. We tend to respond to people and our relationships according to this craving. We are generally approval addicts. It’s no wonder why it is so easy to get offended by someone who regards us negatively, and why we tend to favor people who we know actually favor us. It’s no wonder why there are many who put up a front and pretend to be someone they’re not, for fear of being frowned at. From getting “Wow! Good job!” exclamations in Kindergarten, to getting high grades during the elementary years, to being part of the varsity in high school, becoming the leader of a prestigious organization in college, getting promoted at work, being patted on the back for being a good wife/husband, mom/dad, to getting so many “likes” on Facebook and having the most number of followers in Twitter……it is so easy for us to be driven by how people would view us and “approve” of us. It is so easy to forget the very reason why we do things, why we should give our best, why we should try to become better….and just resort to doing all these in order to satisfy our approval addiction.

Perhaps we are this way because God made us so. When He created us and the whole universe, He made it a point to stop and affirm the beauty of His creation. “It is good!“, He would say. Maybe this was the first thing that Adam heard, and why this is usually the first thing we long to hear. But then sin entered the picture. Now, because of sin, we can never be good. And because we fall short of God’s glory, we tend to search for that “It is good!” sign of approval elsewhere, forgetting that the story of mankind doesn’t end with falling short and with sin. Jesus entered the picture. He fulfilled all the good that God required….all the good that we can never fulfill. I am reminded of what Tullian Tchividjian said:

Because Jesus was strong for me, I am free to be weak;

Because Jesus won for me, I am free to lose;

Because Jesus was Someone, I am free to be no one;

Because Jesus was extraordinary, I am free to be ordinary;

Because Jesus succeeded for me, I am free to fail.

I am free to lose. I am free to be weak, I am free to be no one, I am free to be ordinary, I am free to be myself and not have to prove myself because now I know that I, in fact, have nothing to prove. The only reason why I can now once again hear God say “Good job, my child!” is not because of anything I have done or am doing now but because of what Jesus has done for me.

Going back to our little people….our children will always be asking for our approval and affirmation. With each art project and each milestone, our children will be waiting for our applause. Is this wrong? Not necessarily. It is just a reflection of what their hearts desire. But we need to show them that what they truly should long for is not their parents’ approval, but that of their Maker. And if they are old enough, maybe we can explain to them that if they believe in what Christ did for them on the cross, they already do have God’s seal of approval, and they don’t have to prove themselves anymore. They don’t need to get their “fix” from other people anymore. They are loved. They are accepted. They are approved of….unconditionally.

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photo: truthtalk.com.nz

We just came from a seminar on Relational Transformation by Dr. Greg Mitchell. I wish I could relay everything he taught here, but I might not do justice to it. Allow me to share one point he mentioned, though, that I think is very applicable in parenting our children. It was this term, “compromise“.

We normally view compromise as a good thing, right? Whenever our kids fight over a toy, we ask them how they could compromise. Whenever our kids ask something from us, they usually know they can negotiate until both parties (the parent and the child) come to a compromise.

Compromise has been such a helpful “tool” for us to get some “peace and quiet” in our households. Most of the time, the whining ends….until the next episode.

The problem with compromise is, people only do it to get what they want. The pattern of thought that plays in the brain (and the heart) is, “This is what I want, and the only way for me to get what I want is to do what you want…. and just so that I can still get what I want, fine! I’ll do a bit of what you want.” The motivation is still….to gratify oneself. What about me? What’s in it for me? Me, me, me!!!

This brings the question: Is this what we really want to teach our children— To learn to compromise??  To learn to navigate around other people’s desires so eventually they too can get what they  want for themselves? How is this any different from self-centeredness under the guise of concern and consideration for other people?

What if we try another tool— that of no compromise? What if instead of teaching our children how to compromise, we teach them to just love instead? This would mean that instead of facilitating them to think “How can you give so that you can still get what you want?”, we train them to “just give“. This would mean we help them go against their natural thought processes and train them to process things in the light of loving others—”How can I demonstrate love in this situation?“.

I know this approach will probably take more time to process with our kids. Going for this would entail more commitment in that we won’t see immediate “peace and quiet” during playtime. It would mean constantly reminding them of God’s unconditional love, praying that they will experience it, so that they are empowered to give it to others, too. They cannot give what they do not have, after all. They cannot share what they have not experienced. Going for this “No Compromise” approach would mean that we do not rely on natural reasoning and logic for our children to understand, but that we rely on God to reveal His love to them– the kind of love that gave up His Son for us; the kind of love through which our children too, can give.

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photos: spiritus-contra-spiritum.blogspot.com

matteroffactsite.blogspot.com

Thermometer (thr-mm-tr)

n.

An instrument for measuring temperature, especially one having a graduated glass tube with a bulb containing a liquid, typically mercury or colored alcohol, that expands and rises in the tube as the temperature increases.

Thermostat (thûrm-stt)

n.

A device that automatically controls heating or cooling equipment in such a way as to maintain a temperature at a constant level or within a specified range, generally using a thermometer capable of triggering electrical switches that activate or deactivate the equipment.

A thermometer does nothing but to respond and reflect the current temperature  of the environment it is placed in. It is entirely dependent on its surroundings and is incapable of controlling its environment.

A thermostat, on the other hand, is sensitive to the temperature and setting it is in, and adjusts accordingly. Its function is not to be dictated upon by its environment, but to control and set the temperature for the entire room. It is capable of going against the current level of coolness or warmth of its environment, and has the ability to actually change it.

We have the choice to either be thermometers— who helplessly get carried away and dictated upon by the circumstances that surround us, or to be thermostats— who are in control of our moods and emotions and thereby able to set the tone and atmosphere we wish to have in our homes.

Which one are you?

PS: Thermodynamics deals with the relationships and conversions between heat and other forms of energy— nothing to do with this blog, really.

* special thanks to thefreedictionary.com

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photos: nachi.org

alivingpromise.blogspot.com

Play and listen to classical music while pregnant.

(Are there other ways to ensure you have a healthy and brilliant child even while in the womb?? Do it!!!)

Give birth via Lamaze.

Exclusively breastfeed up to two years.

Stimulate your child’s brain from birth.

Encourage your child’s development as early as possible— the first three years of your child are critical in determining how they would turn out in the future!

Give your child a headstart. Enroll your child in school as early as possible. The only way for them to survive in the next decade is to have a competitive edge.

Potty train your child before he/she turns one.

These are all the “great” advice I heard and followed when I had my first child. These were what all the books and articles and marketers would tell me when I tried to research on how I could “love” my child best and raise my child well. At that time I didn’t know any better.

Of course I wanted the best for my child! Who doesn’t?? Of course I wanted my child to be brilliant and possibly be a genius! Who wouldn’t??

And so I did what every loving mother would do: I played and listened to classical music during pregnancy; I gave birth via Lamaze; I exclusively breastfed up to two years; I hand-made several “infant-stimulating” devices and toys (too expensive to buy!); At some point I tried to potty train before my child was really ready; At one point I tried to enroll my child at an early age…all those things that a “loving” mother would do for her children. No less than the BEST.

But was it really all for my children?? Or was it all really for me? Did I really do all those things because I knew that was how God wanted me to raise my children, or did I do all those things because it was what the world was telling me to do?? Did God set that standard for me, or did I set that for myself? Was it really to give my children no less than the best, or was it because I wanted to feel good about myself — to be able to say that “I did this….because it was for the best” with a sweet smile of false humility?? Was I honoring God “more” because I did all those things, or was I trying to take part in His glory??

What about those who did not get to do all those “advice” and live up to the “best standards”, for reasons that no one would even care to know? ….Does that mean they love their children any less?? Does that mean they don’t give their children their best??

We live in a world that sets us moms up for two things: a sense of shame when we fail to perform according to the “BEST” that’s expected, and a sense of pride when we are able to perform according to its “BEST” standards. Sadly, we easily enter into this trap. We live in a world that’s so performance-oriented, that even how we are when pregnant and how we give birth and how we feed our children now have the ability to dictate how we see ourselves as mothers.

I really have nothing against some of these pieces of advice, because a lot of them are actually scientifically sound and backed up by studies, and really are good for our children. I would still hope to give birth via Lamaze for all my future pregnancies because I want my labor to be as free from drugs (medicines) as possible; and I still look forward to nursing my future children for as long as I can and as long as it’s healthy. All these are well and good, but it always goes back to the heart. Once we do things out of fear (our kids might end up stupid, our kids might end up sickly, our kids might up….drugged??), then something is not right. Once we do it with any hint of wanting to be patted on the back and get the “Mom of the Century” Award, something’s off.

I know I seem to be taking it to the extreme.  Why, I wouldn’t deny that I LOVE it when people compliment me on my child-rearing and parenting. I love it when I get noticed for all the hard work and sleepless nights that I do that oftentimes do not get any recognition. I love it!

But this is also exactly why I constantly have to check my heart. It’s nice to get recognized. It’s another thing to want to get the glory. It’s nice to be complimented on our parenting skills. It’s another thing to make that the goal. What makes one different from the other is pride.

“The Lord opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” (James 4:6; Proverbs 3:34)

I’d rather go after the grace. I know sooner or later I won’t be able to keep up trusting on my own efforts. I know sooner or later I would realize my performance just won’t do. My skills just won’t be enough. My knowledge would be….zero. I know sooner or later I would always be reminded of how clueless I am and inadequate I am as a parent….left to myself.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in (your) weakness.”  (2 Cor. 12:9)

I’d rather move in the grace. I’d rather do things with the premise that I am not doing things on my own and for myself. I choose to experience God’s perfect power  rather than my mediocre ability.

“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”  (Philippians 4:13)

At the end of the day, I’d rather do things through Christ, who strengthens me. Instead of striving to create a “super-talented-extremely-gifted-genius-breastfed-infant-stimulated-everyday-educated-superchild”,  I’d rather look to Him and take my instructions from the One who created my children in the first place.

I dare not forget that I am, in fact, able to do all these things only through Christ, who gives me strength and grace…. And that His GRACE given to me and my children, will always be better than any of the “BEST” that I can give to them.  :)