Alyanna barged into our room earlier this morning, telling me she had something very important to ask me. Of course, I put aside everything that I was doing and prepared myself to answer her very important  question.

ALYANNA: “Mom, even if Mika and I disobey you, you still love us just the same?”

ME: “Of course!”

ALYANNA: “”Even if we disrespect and sin sometimes, you still love us a lot??”

ME: “Yes, of course!”

ALYANNA: “You love us just the same??? Still a lot?? It won’t change?? It won’t become less??”

ME: “Yes, nga…why are you asking?” (Is this a trap?? Are they prepping me? Is she about to tell me she did something terrible?)

ALYANNA: “Nothing. I’m just asking because you keep telling us that you love us. That’s what you keep saying to me and Mike all the time— that you love us…. that even if we disobey, you love us. How come??”

ME: “Aahh…because you know, I myself have received and experienced God’s unconditional love.”

ALYANNA: (as expected) “Huh???? What does that mean??”

ME: “It means that even before pa, when I didn’t love God yet, He already loved me. Even if sometimes I disobey Him, He still loves me….so that same love that God gives me, that teaches me and enables me to love you also— even if sometimes you don’t obey me. Because of Jesus, God loves us whether or not we are nice or even when we sin, so now we are also able to love others the same way. We love others even if they do not do what we want sometimes. Do you understand?”

ALYANNA: “Ah, so….when I become a mommy na, I should love my babies the way you love us?”

ME: “Well, yes…but even if you’re not a mommy yet (secret thought: And please! Let it be a looooong time before you become one!!)….you can actually practice loving this way— with Mika, with us, with your friends… Sometimes we all do something that you don’t like, right? Or like when Mika fights you? Then that’s a perfect time to practice asking God to help you love her even if you don’t want to.”

*Mika then entered the room, crying that she got a boo-boo….ending the conversation* I’m guessing Alyanna breathed a sigh of relief here.

I’m sure that at the back of every child’s mind, there is that longing to be assured of our love and acceptance. We have to make sure that even as we discipline and correct them for their misbehavior and wrong attitudes, we communicate that they are loved and accepted, not on the basis of their performance. We want to communicate that the premise of our love for them is not even our  capacity to love, because even that is unstable as long as we called humans. Rather, we love because we understand that God’s love enables us to love others as well, even if we don’t really feel like it.

Thank you Lord, for loving me, even if more often than not, I am not so lovable. A lot of times, I am selfish and I disobey. Yet even then, you love me; You see Christ’s righteousness in me. I pray that you will help me to love my spouse, love my kids, love everyone around me with this same love that I have received. Help me to see them the way you do. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Enjoy the rest of the week!

Us parents seem to have an automated recording each time we bring our kids someplace where they are expected to at least be decent social beings. “Behave, okay?” Whether we will be there to watch them or not, we give them the usual line-up of behavioral prompts: “Remember to say Good morning.”, “Always share your toys.”, “Don’t hit.”, “No fighting.”, “Listen to the teacher.”, “Obey.”, “Be quiet.”, “No running.” In the more recent years, we have been told to use positive statements as much as possible, replacing “Dont’s” with “Do’s” instead. They say that the kids’ brains (or our brains in general) register only the last part of each do/don’t do statement. This means that if I tell my kids, “Don’t run”, their brains would register “run”, and so even though they know that mommy just told them not to run, they have a hard time obeying because the subconscious brain is telling them only the second part of that imperative, which is, to “run”. It follows, then, that I should instead tell my kids to “Please walk”, so that they would– on a conscious and subconscious level– want to just “walk”.

Okay… honestly, I’m not so sure if what I just told you regarding the reason behind all the positive talk is really what I’ve read from way back (last year?), or if my brain just totally made it up, but it does make some sense right? It can actually pass for a scientifically-sound reasoning. Again, I’m not sure.

It doesn’t matter anyway. That’s just a long introduction to my main point. You see, I could go the route of giving positive prompts to my kids, and give them a long list of how they should behave in a particular social setting…but I know they would only be capable of remembering so much. I believe in the principle that there is more to what we say than just words. Our words are a reflection of what’s in our hearts. In the case of what we say to our children, what we tell them could actually make impressions in their hearts. “Mom wants me to behave, or else she’ll get disappointed.”, “People will like me only if I behave this way.” “I will be accepted as long as I do this.”

I used to do this a lot to my first-born, Alyanna. I’d give her a long speech of how she should behave each time. Being the conscientious, high-belief little girl that she is, it usually worked— but for the wrong reasons. It was out of fear of being reprimanded or out of the desire to be accepted and approved of by others. I tried it, too, with Mika. being the carefree little girl that she is, it usually just frustrated me. She never seemed to remember any of my reminders! I thought rephrasing them into “do” statements would make the subconscious remember to obey??? Nope– not the case with her.

Long story short, I use a different approach with them now. Going back to the principle that my words can make an impression in their hearts, and that ultimately it is the heart we want to target, I now don’t spend as much time telling them how they should behave as much as I do in trying to guide them how they process their behavior. The whole point of why they should behave is to be a blessing to others, to show God’s love to others by loving them as well. Everything else would fall under this premise. “I will share because it is the loving thing to do.” “I won’t hit because that would not be showing God’s love at all.” “I will behave and be mindful of others because it is the honoring and loving thing.” In cases where they would have to decide how to behave, and it is a case I haven’t oriented them with, they could just think for themselves what the loving thing to do is.

To summarize this, instead of always telling our kids to “behave”, why not try reminding them to “be a blessing” instead? And pray with them each time, thanking God for always being with them to help them and for being the one who enables them to become the blessing that He has intended them to be.

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photo: media.photobucket.com

We brought the kids to a play place yesterday. A few months ago, bringing them to a place like this would not have been worth it, since they used to get overwhelmed by the high slides and huge play area. Yesterday was different— Alyanna actually maximized what they had there. Mika, on the other hand, well…was herself. She tried to be more courageous, but for the most part was still scared.
I wish I brought a camera with me. (Why do I always forget this particular note to self to always bring my camera?!?!) Alyanna was having the time of her life sliding down what she considered were “giant” slides. Each time she slid down, she made sure I was watching her. She wanted me to cheer for her and later on applaud her for her courage.

“Mom! Look mom!!!”
“Mom! Am I brave??”
“Mom! Is this nice??”
“Mom! Am I pretty in this dress??”
“Mom! Look! Did I do a good job??”

It wasn’t just yesterday’s bravery she wanted me to take note of. Almost every time, Alyanna would seek my approval and affirmation. She needs to hear that she did a good job. She needs to hear that she’s beautiful. She needs to hear that her work is nice. And I see the same thing in Mika….and in other kids…and in other grown-ups….and in myself.

Us humans are generally hungry for approval and affirmation. Some psychologists would call this the basic need of belongingness, or basic need of being loved. Others would call this insecurity. Whatever it really is, I just know that a lot of us tend to function with this need in mind— “I need to belong. I need to be accepted. I need to be appreciated. I need to be loved.”. We tend to respond to people and our relationships according to this craving. We are generally approval addicts. It’s no wonder why it is so easy to get offended by someone who regards us negatively, and why we tend to favor people who we know actually favor us. It’s no wonder why there are many who put up a front and pretend to be someone they’re not, for fear of being frowned at. From getting “Wow! Good job!” exclamations in Kindergarten, to getting high grades during the elementary years, to being part of the varsity in high school, becoming the leader of a prestigious organization in college, getting promoted at work, being patted on the back for being a good wife/husband, mom/dad, to getting so many “likes” on Facebook and having the most number of followers in Twitter……it is so easy for us to be driven by how people would view us and “approve” of us. It is so easy to forget the very reason why we do things, why we should give our best, why we should try to become better….and just resort to doing all these in order to satisfy our approval addiction.

Perhaps we are this way because God made us so. When He created us and the whole universe, He made it a point to stop and affirm the beauty of His creation. “It is good!“, He would say. Maybe this was the first thing that Adam heard, and why this is usually the first thing we long to hear. But then sin entered the picture. Now, because of sin, we can never be good. And because we fall short of God’s glory, we tend to search for that “It is good!” sign of approval elsewhere, forgetting that the story of mankind doesn’t end with falling short and with sin. Jesus entered the picture. He fulfilled all the good that God required….all the good that we can never fulfill. I am reminded of what Tullian Tchividjian said:

Because Jesus was strong for me, I am free to be weak;

Because Jesus won for me, I am free to lose;

Because Jesus was Someone, I am free to be no one;

Because Jesus was extraordinary, I am free to be ordinary;

Because Jesus succeeded for me, I am free to fail.

I am free to lose. I am free to be weak, I am free to be no one, I am free to be ordinary, I am free to be myself and not have to prove myself because now I know that I, in fact, have nothing to prove. The only reason why I can now once again hear God say “Good job, my child!” is not because of anything I have done or am doing now but because of what Jesus has done for me.

Going back to our little people….our children will always be asking for our approval and affirmation. With each art project and each milestone, our children will be waiting for our applause. Is this wrong? Not necessarily. It is just a reflection of what their hearts desire. But we need to show them that what they truly should long for is not their parents’ approval, but that of their Maker. And if they are old enough, maybe we can explain to them that if they believe in what Christ did for them on the cross, they already do have God’s seal of approval, and they don’t have to prove themselves anymore. They don’t need to get their “fix” from other people anymore. They are loved. They are accepted. They are approved of….unconditionally.

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photo: truthtalk.com.nz

We just came from a seminar on Relational Transformation by Dr. Greg Mitchell. I wish I could relay everything he taught here, but I might not do justice to it. Allow me to share one point he mentioned, though, that I think is very applicable in parenting our children. It was this term, “compromise“.

We normally view compromise as a good thing, right? Whenever our kids fight over a toy, we ask them how they could compromise. Whenever our kids ask something from us, they usually know they can negotiate until both parties (the parent and the child) come to a compromise.

Compromise has been such a helpful “tool” for us to get some “peace and quiet” in our households. Most of the time, the whining ends….until the next episode.

The problem with compromise is, people only do it to get what they want. The pattern of thought that plays in the brain (and the heart) is, “This is what I want, and the only way for me to get what I want is to do what you want…. and just so that I can still get what I want, fine! I’ll do a bit of what you want.” The motivation is still….to gratify oneself. What about me? What’s in it for me? Me, me, me!!!

This brings the question: Is this what we really want to teach our children— To learn to compromise??  To learn to navigate around other people’s desires so eventually they too can get what they  want for themselves? How is this any different from self-centeredness under the guise of concern and consideration for other people?

What if we try another tool— that of no compromise? What if instead of teaching our children how to compromise, we teach them to just love instead? This would mean that instead of facilitating them to think “How can you give so that you can still get what you want?”, we train them to “just give“. This would mean we help them go against their natural thought processes and train them to process things in the light of loving others—”How can I demonstrate love in this situation?“.

I know this approach will probably take more time to process with our kids. Going for this would entail more commitment in that we won’t see immediate “peace and quiet” during playtime. It would mean constantly reminding them of God’s unconditional love, praying that they will experience it, so that they are empowered to give it to others, too. They cannot give what they do not have, after all. They cannot share what they have not experienced. Going for this “No Compromise” approach would mean that we do not rely on natural reasoning and logic for our children to understand, but that we rely on God to reveal His love to them– the kind of love that gave up His Son for us; the kind of love through which our children too, can give.

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photos: spiritus-contra-spiritum.blogspot.com

matteroffactsite.blogspot.com

Play and listen to classical music while pregnant.

(Are there other ways to ensure you have a healthy and brilliant child even while in the womb?? Do it!!!)

Give birth via Lamaze.

Exclusively breastfeed up to two years.

Stimulate your child’s brain from birth.

Encourage your child’s development as early as possible— the first three years of your child are critical in determining how they would turn out in the future!

Give your child a headstart. Enroll your child in school as early as possible. The only way for them to survive in the next decade is to have a competitive edge.

Potty train your child before he/she turns one.

These are all the “great” advice I heard and followed when I had my first child. These were what all the books and articles and marketers would tell me when I tried to research on how I could “love” my child best and raise my child well. At that time I didn’t know any better.

Of course I wanted the best for my child! Who doesn’t?? Of course I wanted my child to be brilliant and possibly be a genius! Who wouldn’t??

And so I did what every loving mother would do: I played and listened to classical music during pregnancy; I gave birth via Lamaze; I exclusively breastfed up to two years; I hand-made several “infant-stimulating” devices and toys (too expensive to buy!); At some point I tried to potty train before my child was really ready; At one point I tried to enroll my child at an early age…all those things that a “loving” mother would do for her children. No less than the BEST.

But was it really all for my children?? Or was it all really for me? Did I really do all those things because I knew that was how God wanted me to raise my children, or did I do all those things because it was what the world was telling me to do?? Did God set that standard for me, or did I set that for myself? Was it really to give my children no less than the best, or was it because I wanted to feel good about myself — to be able to say that “I did this….because it was for the best” with a sweet smile of false humility?? Was I honoring God “more” because I did all those things, or was I trying to take part in His glory??

What about those who did not get to do all those “advice” and live up to the “best standards”, for reasons that no one would even care to know? ….Does that mean they love their children any less?? Does that mean they don’t give their children their best??

We live in a world that sets us moms up for two things: a sense of shame when we fail to perform according to the “BEST” that’s expected, and a sense of pride when we are able to perform according to its “BEST” standards. Sadly, we easily enter into this trap. We live in a world that’s so performance-oriented, that even how we are when pregnant and how we give birth and how we feed our children now have the ability to dictate how we see ourselves as mothers.

I really have nothing against some of these pieces of advice, because a lot of them are actually scientifically sound and backed up by studies, and really are good for our children. I would still hope to give birth via Lamaze for all my future pregnancies because I want my labor to be as free from drugs (medicines) as possible; and I still look forward to nursing my future children for as long as I can and as long as it’s healthy. All these are well and good, but it always goes back to the heart. Once we do things out of fear (our kids might end up stupid, our kids might end up sickly, our kids might up….drugged??), then something is not right. Once we do it with any hint of wanting to be patted on the back and get the “Mom of the Century” Award, something’s off.

I know I seem to be taking it to the extreme.  Why, I wouldn’t deny that I LOVE it when people compliment me on my child-rearing and parenting. I love it when I get noticed for all the hard work and sleepless nights that I do that oftentimes do not get any recognition. I love it!

But this is also exactly why I constantly have to check my heart. It’s nice to get recognized. It’s another thing to want to get the glory. It’s nice to be complimented on our parenting skills. It’s another thing to make that the goal. What makes one different from the other is pride.

“The Lord opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” (James 4:6; Proverbs 3:34)

I’d rather go after the grace. I know sooner or later I won’t be able to keep up trusting on my own efforts. I know sooner or later I would realize my performance just won’t do. My skills just won’t be enough. My knowledge would be….zero. I know sooner or later I would always be reminded of how clueless I am and inadequate I am as a parent….left to myself.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in (your) weakness.”  (2 Cor. 12:9)

I’d rather move in the grace. I’d rather do things with the premise that I am not doing things on my own and for myself. I choose to experience God’s perfect power  rather than my mediocre ability.

“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.”  (Philippians 4:13)

At the end of the day, I’d rather do things through Christ, who strengthens me. Instead of striving to create a “super-talented-extremely-gifted-genius-breastfed-infant-stimulated-everyday-educated-superchild”,  I’d rather look to Him and take my instructions from the One who created my children in the first place.

I dare not forget that I am, in fact, able to do all these things only through Christ, who gives me strength and grace…. And that His GRACE given to me and my children, will always be better than any of the “BEST” that I can give to them.  :)

You know how when we were young our parents and teachers would always tell us to practice, practice, practice….because “practice makes perfect”??

*sigh* I am blaming my perfectionist tendencies on that. I grew up having a mindset that if anything is worth doing at all, if anything is worth working at, it is because that something had the potential of becoming perfect. Now there’s that struggle to counter the default reasoning of my brain that “if I’m not sure if this will turn turn out perfect, then why bother practicing??”

I see the same tendencies in Alyanna. I am sure (or am I??) I never used the phrase “practice makes perfect” on her, but several times already, she used that phrase in response to my telling her to keep practicing. Every time she encounters something difficult for her to do and she gets frustrated at herself, I tell her that it’s okay and she should just keep practicing. “Keep practicing because practice makes perfect?”, would often be her response. And several times too, she would ask me if her work is perfect.

I see a potential perfectionist budding and so I have to nip it as early as possible. Of course, I would not want to stifle her drive for excellence, yet I also do not want to give her “false hope”. By this, I do not mean that I do not believe in what she can do. I am fully aware that she is one very talented child, and that if she sets her mind on something, she will be likely to accomplish that task with flying colors. But I also now know better than to let her put her hope in herself, and what she can do. The possible turn-outs of this route are: 1) She might become overly-driven because if she doesn’t push herself hard enough, she won’t get to achieve the perfection she expects to deliver; so driven to the point of early exhaustion in life, 2) She will not know when to stop and let go of some things, and if there will come a time that she would have to admit failure on something she has put effort in, she might be very hard on herself, 3) She will most likely be scared to jump into things if she’s not sure if they will turn out perfectly, 4) She might begin to think that her identity is tied to her performance and achievement, 5) She might end up frustrated at herself when she finds out that as long as she is in this world, nothing is perfect.

I went through all five routes.

It wasn’t until I reached the fifth one that I finally gave up and realized that no matter how hard I practice, there will never be such a thing as “perfect” in this world. Sure, the results can be highly satisfactory for a certain period of time, but perfect as in perfect with no more need for improvement forever?? Nada. No such thing here. And if there was, and if it was because we worked “hard enough” and practiced well enough to achieve that perfection??— What a scary place to be in. We would all be so proud, boasting of all the things we have done for ourselves!

I actually thank God for this fact— that I am not perfect, and that I can never be perfect. I thank God for the fact that I can never practice my way to perfection.  I am set free from the burden of having to be perfect or from the burden of aiming for perfection, simply because it can not happen. I am set free from the burden of striving for perfection, and doing things with the end goal of achieving perfection, because to start with, I know it is an impossible task to take on. I am thankful most of all because now I am free to rely on God’s grace, and His grace alone until the time comes when I will be with Him in the only existing perfect place. I am free to rely on Him alone to carry me through every task I know I need to do. I am free to obey and do, because I can trust and believe— not in myself, nor my capabilities….but on His character and faithfulness. The burden’s not on me now, because Christ took that burden 2000 years ago, on the cross.

So now, I do things simply because He says so. I strive for excellence because I know it will showcase His glory. I practice to progress.

What I tell Alyanna now is to be diligent in practicing, because “correct practice make progress“.