Sometime last year, I wrote about desires and expectations. I could summarize it here for you, or you could just click here and read it for yourself.

This post will again be about expectations in our marriages.

Talking about expectations is a tricky thing. On one hand, we should be careful not to allow our desires to become expectations such that we might end up resenting our spouses for not fulfilling them, or we might become unappreciative of them when they do. We don’t want to have an “after all” attittude, wherein our natural response to our spouses’ acts of service and affection would be “you are my spouse, after all“. No. We don’t want that. We want to maintain a joyful attitude in our marriages— always hopeful for the best and at the same time grateful for what already is.

Oh, I used the intro “on one hand”. Then there must be another hand right?  hehe ….Yes, on one hand we do not want that, but on the other hand, we do enter into marriage with a certain set of expectations that would actually serve as a benchmark for us, as to how we want our marriages to be. Let’s call these “foundational expectations”. These are things that are worth fighting for in our marriages. These are the areas that are okay for us to sit down  and discuss with our spouses. These are the the ones we constantly go back to and evaluate to see whether they are getting fulfilled or not. These are areas that, when overlooked and left unfulfilled, actually have the capacity to eventually ruin your marriage.

For me, these are some of the areas that fall under this category (in no particular order):

1. Communication

2. Service

3. Romance

4. Faithfulness

5. Respect

As you can see, we dubbed “foundational expectations” as such because when we remind our spouses of these things (read: with appropriate tone of voice and timing, NOT in any way synonymous with nagging), we are actually doing our marriages— ourselves AND our spouses a favor. We are actually communicating that I care enough about our marriage to have to go through the trouble of asking you to sit down with me, process this together, and ensure that these get fulfilled. It is not just about getting our desires and preferences and what would make us happy, but more importantly— what would make both you AND your spouse happy, and your relationship richer.

I must end this post on expectations with this though: Just because we say that these expectations are foundational to our marriage doesn’t give us the right to disrespect our husbands (or wives, if it so happens that you’re a man reading this ), or to be unloving towards them. I am sure that many of us do have unfulfilled expectations. What then? Do we gripe? Do we start to resent? Do we give up and not care anymore?

No.

Here’s another foundational expectation that I left out earlier: unconditional love.

The vows we made when we entered marriage were all made with this premise— that we are to love our husbands/wives unconditionally. This means we are to love them even if they still haven’t fulfilled our expectations. This means that we acknowledge and remind ourselves that “my husband/wife is a work in progress, just as I too, am a work in progress.”

Yes, we fight for our expectations to come to pass. This does not mean we fight with our spouses. Yes, we communicate and express our expectations to our partners. This does not mean we nag them to death. Yes, we will not rest until we can ensure that these expectations are met. This does not mean we remain resentful until then.

Instead, as we hope and wait, we trust that God is at work in our spouse’s heart, just as we trust that God is also at work in our hearts.

——————————-

photo: taken by our friend Bleau, during our friends’ (Bu and Lyka) wedding.

For the past month, God has been stretching my faith. He has been placing me in situations that would leave me with no choice but to trust in Him. This past month, He has magnified for me how helpless I am without Him, and at the same time how much I can accomplish through Him and in Him.

Allow me to share something that has encouraged me today. I hope that you and some people you know can get encouraged by this, too!

Oh, let me first give you a brief summary of this whole thing, just to give you a context of what I’m talking about….

The text of this story is found in Matthew 14. This was the time when Jesus already went about preaching and ministering to many people.  In one particular instance after Jesus ministered to the crowds, the disciples were put in a dilemma on what to do with them. It was approaching night time and the crowds (thousands of them!) were getting hungry. Some disciples suggested that they just dismiss them and send all the people home, so they can get food for themselves in the villages. Buying food for all of them was clearly out of the question since that would mean that the disciples will have to shell out so much money. Then…they spotted a boy with five SMALL barley loaves and two SMALL fish. But how can that help them, right? Obviously, the small bread and small fish were just enough to feed the small boy. It didn’t make any sense, but one of them still took the chance. They were in the presence of no less than Jesus, after all.

I’ll just copy-paste the next few verses to let it tell you the rest of the story…

Matthew 14:17-21

 ¹⁷ “We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish,” they (the disciples) answered. ¹⁸ “Bring them here to me,” he (Jesus) said. ¹⁹ And he directed the people to sit down on the grass. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people. ²⁰ They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. ²¹ The number of those who ate was about five thousand men, besides women and children.”

To summarize this further:

The boy and the disciples said, “This is all the food we have. We only have this small bread and small fish to offer.”

Jesus took what they had to offer Him anyway.

Jesus blessed the bread and fish and distributed them.

The small bread and small fish multiplied.

Everyone ate and were all fully satisfied.

The disciples had so much left over to pick up after.

The same is true with us.

We say, “This is all that I have. This is the only thing that I know. I only have this small thing to offer you.”

Jesus responds by taking what we offer Him anyway— no matter how small and seemingly insignificant.

Jesus chooses to bless whatever it is we offer Him and uses it to bless others.

Our efforts and gifts multiply.

Everyone gets a taste of our gift, gets blessed, and gets fully satisfied.

We find ourselves having to pick up so much that are left over.

The blessings overflow.

We can keep on giving and giving and blessing and blessing because there is so much that God leaves for us.

Amazing, isn’t it???

You can be a stay-at-home mom like me, or a working mom…you can be a wife, a single woman, or a student. Everyday we are faced with a dilemma on what to do with the people God surrounds us with or the circumstances we find ourselves in. Everyday we have a choice to just step back and relax and let the opportunity to be a blessing pass.

“Just send them home. I have nothing to offer them.”

“It’s too costly to involve myself in this.”

“I only have enough for myself.”

Everyday too, we have a privilege to offer whatever it is that we have in our hands and allow God to multiply it and bless hundreds– or even thousands. What we think is enough only to feed a small boy will in fact be more than enough to feed thousands. It all depends on whose hands it is in.

A rod in my hands might be able to keep stray dogs away. A rod in Moses’ hands parted the mighty sea.

A sling shot in my hands is a kid’s toy. A sling shot in David’s hand became a mighty weapon. 

Two fish and five loaves of bread in my hands are a couple of tuna sandwiches. Two fish and five loaves of bread in God’s hands fed thousands.

Nails in my hands might produce a place on the wall where I can hang my kids’ framed paintings. Nails in Jesus Christ’s hands produced salvation for the entire world.

It all depends on whose hands it is in. 

I choose today— and everyday— to offer whatever small and insignificant thing I have in my hands to God. And every day I shall wait and see how He will bless it and multiply it to bless the lives of thousands. And every day I shall see how much left over I would have to pick up after.

Found this post again among the files I managed to “salvage” back when my site’s host failed me. This one’s dated June 19, 2009, but I still think it serves as a good reminder for me.

——————————————————————

We just came home from our good friends’ bridal shower and stag party (same house, different rooms for the men and women). I have to hand it to Steph’s (the soon-to-be bride) siblings…you all did a great job organizing it! The theme was anything kitchen, which I loved since all the prizes were useful. Had I known, I would have participated more than I have instead of just eating during the first few games!

** fast forward**

The last activity was for the married couples to give tips on “How to have a happy marriage”. This is what I came up with in the few minutes given to us:

H- Have a clear vision for your marriage. How do you want your marriage to look and be like?

A- Appreciate more than criticize. The latter is easier to do, but the former feels better and actually  yields much more results.

P- Pray together. I acknowledge that apart from the grace of God and complete reliance on Him, I probably will be more prone to doing everything else contrary to what the Bible teaches us on having great marriages.

P- Pay attention to each other’s needs and desires. “Pay attention” being the key word here. “To Each other”, too.

I- Inspire your partner to dream big. You have the wonderful privilege of being your spouse’s number one fan; being the president of his/her fan club— with front row seats and VIP passes to all the great things that he/she will be doing!

….You also have the power to crush all those dreams— in which case, you both end up just watching from the bleachers.

N- Never stop trying out new things. Having a routine and having responsibilities don’t have to be boring. It’s really up to both of you.

E- Enjoy sex.  (this one, ONLY when you’re ALREADY married!) ….No explanations needed.

S- Serve each other. You are in that marriage to serve and build up….not the other way around.

S- Savor every moment, even those that seem insignificant. Marriage is one exciting union! Every moment together is a blessing and is made to be a joy. Don’t just let those moments pass you by (parang Kodak lang yan…)

If any of you have other tips, feel free to write them!   I love learning from all of you!

PS: Mika’s on her way to recovery. She’s starting to eat again! yipee! ...(**Aah….so Mika was sick last June 2009, eh? Well, she’s been one healthy little girl since last year! )

**edit:

PPS: May I add? Can we change the spelling of “happiness” by adding one more -s at the end???

S- Say sorry. A lot of times, this is more powerful than the words “I love you”.  :)

————-

photo: theminimalists.com

Found this in my office file this morning. It’s dated August 24, 2011. I think I wrote it down someplace else because we didn’t have internet that time.

———————————————–

I attended the Metro Manila Staff Meeting the other day and was glad to once again hear Pastor Steve Murrell give a short word to exhort the staff.

The main point of his message was on remembering. “Memories are what guard the soul”, he said. Of course, there are some memories that are better left stored away in the deepest recesses of the brain, or if possible– erased, but for the most part, memories are what keep us grounded.

If we remember how we were before Christ saved us and did his transforming work in us, it humbles us.

If we remember how God always came through for us and has remained faithful, it encourages us.

If we remember what life has taught us even through the mistakes we have made, it makes us wiser.

Remembering can really be a good thing for our souls.

The same is true for our marriages. Remembering the right things can guard our marriages and keep us strong. I say “the right things” because we certainly would not want to remember and keep a record of wrongs—either ours or our spouse’s. Remembering the right things can definitely make our marriages sweeter. Too often we can get caught up with life that we fail to remember just why we married this man/woman we wake up to every day. What a blessing it is to remember how you both were when you were still getting to know each other or when you were on your honeymoon stage. If we remember what we said in front of the altar on our wedding day, there will be less fights and less couples frustrated at each other.

Lord, thank you for the gift of memory. Thank you for reminding us to remember, because we are such forgetful people. Help us to remember the right things in our walk with you, and in our marriages. Help us to go through life enjoying and building more memories. 

———————————————–

photo: rpmbold.wordpress.com

Us parents seem to have an automated recording each time we bring our kids someplace where they are expected to at least be decent social beings. “Behave, okay?” Whether we will be there to watch them or not, we give them the usual line-up of behavioral prompts: “Remember to say Good morning.”, “Always share your toys.”, “Don’t hit.”, “No fighting.”, “Listen to the teacher.”, “Obey.”, “Be quiet.”, “No running.” In the more recent years, we have been told to use positive statements as much as possible, replacing “Dont’s” with “Do’s” instead. They say that the kids’ brains (or our brains in general) register only the last part of each do/don’t do statement. This means that if I tell my kids, “Don’t run”, their brains would register “run”, and so even though they know that mommy just told them not to run, they have a hard time obeying because the subconscious brain is telling them only the second part of that imperative, which is, to “run”. It follows, then, that I should instead tell my kids to “Please walk”, so that they would– on a conscious and subconscious level– want to just “walk”.

Okay… honestly, I’m not so sure if what I just told you regarding the reason behind all the positive talk is really what I’ve read from way back (last year?), or if my brain just totally made it up, but it does make some sense right? It can actually pass for a scientifically-sound reasoning. Again, I’m not sure.

It doesn’t matter anyway. That’s just a long introduction to my main point. You see, I could go the route of giving positive prompts to my kids, and give them a long list of how they should behave in a particular social setting…but I know they would only be capable of remembering so much. I believe in the principle that there is more to what we say than just words. Our words are a reflection of what’s in our hearts. In the case of what we say to our children, what we tell them could actually make impressions in their hearts. “Mom wants me to behave, or else she’ll get disappointed.”, “People will like me only if I behave this way.” “I will be accepted as long as I do this.”

I used to do this a lot to my first-born, Alyanna. I’d give her a long speech of how she should behave each time. Being the conscientious, high-belief little girl that she is, it usually worked— but for the wrong reasons. It was out of fear of being reprimanded or out of the desire to be accepted and approved of by others. I tried it, too, with Mika. being the carefree little girl that she is, it usually just frustrated me. She never seemed to remember any of my reminders! I thought rephrasing them into “do” statements would make the subconscious remember to obey??? Nope– not the case with her.

Long story short, I use a different approach with them now. Going back to the principle that my words can make an impression in their hearts, and that ultimately it is the heart we want to target, I now don’t spend as much time telling them how they should behave as much as I do in trying to guide them how they process their behavior. The whole point of why they should behave is to be a blessing to others, to show God’s love to others by loving them as well. Everything else would fall under this premise. “I will share because it is the loving thing to do.” “I won’t hit because that would not be showing God’s love at all.” “I will behave and be mindful of others because it is the honoring and loving thing.” In cases where they would have to decide how to behave, and it is a case I haven’t oriented them with, they could just think for themselves what the loving thing to do is.

To summarize this, instead of always telling our kids to “behave”, why not try reminding them to “be a blessing” instead? And pray with them each time, thanking God for always being with them to help them and for being the one who enables them to become the blessing that He has intended them to be.

—————-

photo: media.photobucket.com

My heart is overwhelmed. As we celebrate Father’s Day today, I realize how blessed I am to be surrounded with awesome fathers.

First, there’s my dad.

I realize how blessed I am to have grown up having a wonderful dad who never failed to affirm me of his love. I grew up having my dad as my best friend. With each milestone I had growing up, it was my dad who celebrated with me. With every low point in my life, it was my dad’s shoulder I cried on, and my dad’s voice that I longed to hear. Each time I felt unsure of myself, papa was there to reassure me that I was precious and special.

I love you papa. I love how up until now you call me up out of the blue,  just to tell me you miss me and are thinking of me. I love how I have to pretend I find you all cheesy and corny, each time you start telling me that I am still your baby. Please don’t get tired of telling me that, even though each time you do it, I tease you that it’s just a telltale sign that you’re getting old(er). I love how you have always been there to teach and correct me, all with the premise that it is because you love me. I love how I know I can still run to you and cry on your shoulder and how your voice is one that I will always look forward to hearing. Thank you for making it easier for me to understand God’s love for me, for you have displayed it through your life. I love you so much papa. I love you, and I will never tire of saying that over and over again. I love you.

Then there’s my Father-in-law.

Papa, your smile always makes me feel that things are alright. You have a stillness in you that assures me that things are under control. You often are so quiet, yet you say a lot with how you treat everyone around you. Instead of giving lectures, you teach us by sharing your life. You always have all of our best interests in mind, and I thank you for that. Thank you for your strength. I Thank you for the security of your love. Thank you for being an example to us. I love you so much papa.

Taking after him is the father of my kids, Dennis.

Love, our kids are two of the most privileged kids in the entire world because they have you for a dad. I am forever grateful to have you as my partner in raising up our kids. It is such a joy parenting our children with you. Oftentimes it is the mom that gets the credit, each time our kids excel at something. But we all know that a huge part of however our kids turn out, or whatever they come up with, is really because of you.

Thank you for your selflessness, your protection, your love, and your support. Thank you for intentionally being there for us. I know playing teatime will never come naturally to you, but you do it anyway. I know that listening to all the girl-talk will never be one of those things you’d come to understand, but you pretend to understand anyway.

I am confident that our children will grow up secure, because they are blessed with a dad who loves them unconditionally, and who models God’s love for them. I am confident that our children will grow up loving God with all that they’ve got, because they have a dad who loves God with all that he’s got. I am confident that our kids will grow up knowing that they are favored and blessed, because God gave them you for an earthly father.

I love you. Thank you for always aiming to become the best dad for our children. Thank you for always pursuing God and His likeness, as you aim to become the dad that God wants you to be.

To all the dads,

Thank you for rising up to the challenge of taking the lead in your families’ lives. I pray that you will continue to do this with much love and grace. I pray for strength and wisdom as you go and fulfill the role that God has placed upon each of you. I pray that you will have a vision that through your loving leadership, the next generation  can grow up secure that they have a destiny and will live with purpose.

Above all, there is You, my Heavenly Father.

Apart from you, I am nothing. Apart from you, I can do no good thing. But because of you, I have everything.  Through you, I can do all things.

Father, thank you for who you are in my life. Thank you for being my King, my God, my Lord, my Father. Thank you for the privilege of going through life with you.

Thank you for loving me first. Thank you for loving me with an unconditional and everlasting love. Each time I fail you (which is a lot of times), you still choose to love me, and you tell me that I’m forgiven. Thank you for loving me with a love that I cannot even begin to describe, and I have no other desire but to receive. I love you so much, God. Thank you for the promise that you will never leave me nor forsake me. Thank you for the security that You alone can give me. Thank you for the satisfaction that I find in nothing and no one else but You.

You are the King of kings, the God of the Universe, the Maker of heaven and earth….. and You said that I am your daughter. Aaahh…..What could ever compare to that???

Happy Father’s Day to all!