Just came from another “session” with Mika. Typical— she disobeyed, and the so the story goes….

Mika: *crying* “I’m sorry mom!”

ME: “I forgive you, Mika, and  I love you.”

MIKA: “Why??”

ME: “Because I love you! I choose to love you no matter what, and you are my daughter, nothing can change that, so I’ll love you no matter what.”

MIKA: “Why?”

ME: “Why what?”

MIKA: “Why I’m you’re daughter always?”

ME: (Thought bubble: Bakit, may reklamo?? Ayaw mo??) *Erase the thought bubble*… “Uh…Mika, you also have to say sorry to God, right?”

MIKA: *crying more* “Yes! ….Jesus, I’m sorry!! Please for-dive me and please help me!!”

ME: “Mika, you know what the Bible says, right? Each time we ask for forgiveness and say sorry, God promises to forgive us and to help us do what’s right next time?”

MIKA: “Why?”

ME: “Well, because God loves you!”

MIKA: “Why?”

ME: “Because God is really loving and you are His daughter. He loves you.”

MIKA: “Because I’m nicer than Atsi (referring to older sister) ?”

ME: “No. No one is nicer. We are all the same. All of us sin against God and all of us need God to forgive us and to help us.”

MIKA: “What about the other people? Because I’m nicer than them?”

ME: “No, Mika. All of us….we’re the same. We all sin, right? That’s why Jesus had to die for us.Good thing he died for us, right?”

MIKA: “Yes. Dood thing even if Judas tempted Jesus to not die on the tross nalang, he still obeyed the soldiers and went up the tross, right?”

ME: “Uhm…Yes, good thing Jesus obeyed God the Father and died for us even if it was painful, because he loves us.”

MIKA: “Yes. I heard Judas mom. He tempted Jesus to not listen to Dod (God). Dood thing Jesus didn’t listen to Judas….”

ME: “Ah…okay…. (ano bang pinanood mo bata??) …okay, Mika, take a bath na….”

*Whew!*

Disciplining our children takes T-I-M-E…. Agree??

Our goal is not just for them to see what they did wrong, but to see their need for a Savior. We want them to say, “God, thank you for loving me, forgiving me, and helping me each time I do wrong and sin against you. Jesus, Dood thing you died on the tross for me. Thank you so much!”

Mika is already three years old, but for some odd reason, people still presume that she is only about a year old (That is, until they see her eat and hear her talk). Each time we go to a restaurant, as in…each time, we always have to ask for another set of plates and utensils for her. Each time! I just want to tell the people waiting on our tables that yes, she is already a little human being. She is a person. Tao na rin ‘to, ate. Kumakain din.

Sometimes I find this cute, sometimes annoying. Sometimes I just hope that they recognize this little human as a person already, while sometimes I wish this will carry on until she is about six or seven or eight, so she gets to eat at buffets for free, longer. (heeheehee…. *evil plan cooking* ;D)

This puzzles me, but it doesn’t bother me as much as when it is I (or Dennis) who forgets to recognize her as a person capable of understanding and processing what she sees us say and do. A little person, yes— but person nonetheless. It scares me to think that too often I also forget that she is in fact, not an infant anymore. She is a little human— one who is fully capable of hearing and seeing and ….(gulp!)….copying, even the habits and expressions that I would rather not have her imitate. She is one who is very, verrryyy quick to observe how I respond (or react) to situations, how I treat people around me, how I am when I think that no one is watching me. A very scary thought. I have to keep telling myself: She is already a little human being. She is a person. Tao na rin ‘ to. Kumakain, nakikinig, nanonood….at mahilig pang manggaya.

A scary thought, so help me God. ?

You know how they say that every moment is a teachable moment? Whether we are at home playing or eating, or out caught in traffic, there is always an opportunity to teach our little ones.

I’ve embraced that “truth”. I admit I have a tendency to over-explain things (meaning, explain even trivial matters), but I do try to be as concise as I can possibly be as I do this.

With Alyanna, it seems that my efforts in explaining are never in vain. I can always see that she understands what I try to tell her, and she is even able to explain or challenge other people’s opinions and actions based on what she has come to understand as truth or what’s right.

Mika, on the other hand, well…. she’s Mika…..

CORRECTION/TEACHABLE MOMENT NUMBER ONE:

(While teaching her to honor and respect others with her words)

ME: “Mika, you have to be very careful with your words. You know your tongue is like a sword, it is so powerful….”

MIKA: *interrupts and beams as she has a light bulb moment* “Lite a swort but with teeth and a mouth??”

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TEACHABLE MOMENT NUMBER TWO:

(Out of the blue, while eating)

MIKA: “You know, diba mom Jesus died for us on the tross (cross)?   Hala. That’s why we need another Jesus na. Let’s  find another Jesus.”

(Uhm, anak, idolatry ata tawag dun!)

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CORRECTION/TEACHABLE MOMENT NUMBER THREE:

(While trying to settle a dispute between the two girls)

MIKA: (trying to defend herself and explain what had happened) “No I didn’t do any-tin to huh but she keets sayin that I did any-tin to huh! (I didn’t do anything to her but she keeps saying that I did….I think she meant ‘something’… to her)

ME: “So who’s lying and who’s telling the truth?”

MIKA: “I’m not lyin’! Achie’s lyin!’”

ME: “Mika, you know the Bible tells us to keep our tongue from evil and our lips from speaking lies. Lying is a sin. Do you know that?”

MIKA: “Yes.”

ME: “Do you know what lying means?”

MIKA: “Yes.”

ME: “What does it mean?”

MIKA: “Not obeyin’ you?”

ME: “Mika, lying is when we are not telling the truth; when we are not telling what really happened only and when we make up our own story. SO are you making up your own story or are you telling me the truth?”

MIKA: “ Telling you the truth.”

ME: “Are you telling me the truth or making up your own story?”

MIKA: “Making up my own story.”

Hmm…Oh no. I know where this is going……nowhere.

Like I said, she’s Mika.

Each time I begin to think that Mika is finally getting something I am teaching her, she makes sure to let me know otherwise.  A lot of times, I have to ask for discernment to know whether it’s innocence, ignorance, or rebellion disguised in cute’s clothing. Still, I do not stop planting seeds of God’s Word because I just never know when it will finally click and she would finally get it.

After all, the clicking part is not really our job anymore. We can plant the seeds, but we can’t force the growth out of them. All we can do is be faithful in planting and cultivating, guiding and praying…..and wait for God’s Word to grow in their hearts and  bear much fruit.

Alyanna barged into our room earlier this morning, telling me she had something very important to ask me. Of course, I put aside everything that I was doing and prepared myself to answer her very important  question.

ALYANNA: “Mom, even if Mika and I disobey you, you still love us just the same?”

ME: “Of course!”

ALYANNA: “”Even if we disrespect and sin sometimes, you still love us a lot??”

ME: “Yes, of course!”

ALYANNA: “You love us just the same??? Still a lot?? It won’t change?? It won’t become less??”

ME: “Yes, nga…why are you asking?” (Is this a trap?? Are they prepping me? Is she about to tell me she did something terrible?)

ALYANNA: “Nothing. I’m just asking because you keep telling us that you love us. That’s what you keep saying to me and Mike all the time— that you love us…. that even if we disobey, you love us. How come??”

ME: “Aahh…because you know, I myself have received and experienced God’s unconditional love.”

ALYANNA: (as expected) “Huh???? What does that mean??”

ME: “It means that even before pa, when I didn’t love God yet, He already loved me. Even if sometimes I disobey Him, He still loves me….so that same love that God gives me, that teaches me and enables me to love you also— even if sometimes you don’t obey me. Because of Jesus, God loves us whether or not we are nice or even when we sin, so now we are also able to love others the same way. We love others even if they do not do what we want sometimes. Do you understand?”

ALYANNA: “Ah, so….when I become a mommy na, I should love my babies the way you love us?”

ME: “Well, yes…but even if you’re not a mommy yet (secret thought: And please! Let it be a looooong time before you become one!!)….you can actually practice loving this way— with Mika, with us, with your friends… Sometimes we all do something that you don’t like, right? Or like when Mika fights you? Then that’s a perfect time to practice asking God to help you love her even if you don’t want to.”

*Mika then entered the room, crying that she got a boo-boo….ending the conversation* I’m guessing Alyanna breathed a sigh of relief here.

I’m sure that at the back of every child’s mind, there is that longing to be assured of our love and acceptance. We have to make sure that even as we discipline and correct them for their misbehavior and wrong attitudes, we communicate that they are loved and accepted, not on the basis of their performance. We want to communicate that the premise of our love for them is not even our  capacity to love, because even that is unstable as long as we called humans. Rather, we love because we understand that God’s love enables us to love others as well, even if we don’t really feel like it.

Thank you Lord, for loving me, even if more often than not, I am not so lovable. A lot of times, I am selfish and I disobey. Yet even then, you love me; You see Christ’s righteousness in me. I pray that you will help me to love my spouse, love my kids, love everyone around me with this same love that I have received. Help me to see them the way you do. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Enjoy the rest of the week!

Us parents seem to have an automated recording each time we bring our kids someplace where they are expected to at least be decent social beings. “Behave, okay?” Whether we will be there to watch them or not, we give them the usual line-up of behavioral prompts: “Remember to say Good morning.”, “Always share your toys.”, “Don’t hit.”, “No fighting.”, “Listen to the teacher.”, “Obey.”, “Be quiet.”, “No running.” In the more recent years, we have been told to use positive statements as much as possible, replacing “Dont’s” with “Do’s” instead. They say that the kids’ brains (or our brains in general) register only the last part of each do/don’t do statement. This means that if I tell my kids, “Don’t run”, their brains would register “run”, and so even though they know that mommy just told them not to run, they have a hard time obeying because the subconscious brain is telling them only the second part of that imperative, which is, to “run”. It follows, then, that I should instead tell my kids to “Please walk”, so that they would– on a conscious and subconscious level– want to just “walk”.

Okay… honestly, I’m not so sure if what I just told you regarding the reason behind all the positive talk is really what I’ve read from way back (last year?), or if my brain just totally made it up, but it does make some sense right? It can actually pass for a scientifically-sound reasoning. Again, I’m not sure.

It doesn’t matter anyway. That’s just a long introduction to my main point. You see, I could go the route of giving positive prompts to my kids, and give them a long list of how they should behave in a particular social setting…but I know they would only be capable of remembering so much. I believe in the principle that there is more to what we say than just words. Our words are a reflection of what’s in our hearts. In the case of what we say to our children, what we tell them could actually make impressions in their hearts. “Mom wants me to behave, or else she’ll get disappointed.”, “People will like me only if I behave this way.” “I will be accepted as long as I do this.”

I used to do this a lot to my first-born, Alyanna. I’d give her a long speech of how she should behave each time. Being the conscientious, high-belief little girl that she is, it usually worked— but for the wrong reasons. It was out of fear of being reprimanded or out of the desire to be accepted and approved of by others. I tried it, too, with Mika. being the carefree little girl that she is, it usually just frustrated me. She never seemed to remember any of my reminders! I thought rephrasing them into “do” statements would make the subconscious remember to obey??? Nope– not the case with her.

Long story short, I use a different approach with them now. Going back to the principle that my words can make an impression in their hearts, and that ultimately it is the heart we want to target, I now don’t spend as much time telling them how they should behave as much as I do in trying to guide them how they process their behavior. The whole point of why they should behave is to be a blessing to others, to show God’s love to others by loving them as well. Everything else would fall under this premise. “I will share because it is the loving thing to do.” “I won’t hit because that would not be showing God’s love at all.” “I will behave and be mindful of others because it is the honoring and loving thing.” In cases where they would have to decide how to behave, and it is a case I haven’t oriented them with, they could just think for themselves what the loving thing to do is.

To summarize this, instead of always telling our kids to “behave”, why not try reminding them to “be a blessing” instead? And pray with them each time, thanking God for always being with them to help them and for being the one who enables them to become the blessing that He has intended them to be.

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photo: media.photobucket.com

We brought the kids to a play place yesterday. A few months ago, bringing them to a place like this would not have been worth it, since they used to get overwhelmed by the high slides and huge play area. Yesterday was different— Alyanna actually maximized what they had there. Mika, on the other hand, well…was herself. She tried to be more courageous, but for the most part was still scared.
I wish I brought a camera with me. (Why do I always forget this particular note to self to always bring my camera?!?!) Alyanna was having the time of her life sliding down what she considered were “giant” slides. Each time she slid down, she made sure I was watching her. She wanted me to cheer for her and later on applaud her for her courage.

“Mom! Look mom!!!”
“Mom! Am I brave??”
“Mom! Is this nice??”
“Mom! Am I pretty in this dress??”
“Mom! Look! Did I do a good job??”

It wasn’t just yesterday’s bravery she wanted me to take note of. Almost every time, Alyanna would seek my approval and affirmation. She needs to hear that she did a good job. She needs to hear that she’s beautiful. She needs to hear that her work is nice. And I see the same thing in Mika….and in other kids…and in other grown-ups….and in myself.

Us humans are generally hungry for approval and affirmation. Some psychologists would call this the basic need of belongingness, or basic need of being loved. Others would call this insecurity. Whatever it really is, I just know that a lot of us tend to function with this need in mind— “I need to belong. I need to be accepted. I need to be appreciated. I need to be loved.”. We tend to respond to people and our relationships according to this craving. We are generally approval addicts. It’s no wonder why it is so easy to get offended by someone who regards us negatively, and why we tend to favor people who we know actually favor us. It’s no wonder why there are many who put up a front and pretend to be someone they’re not, for fear of being frowned at. From getting “Wow! Good job!” exclamations in Kindergarten, to getting high grades during the elementary years, to being part of the varsity in high school, becoming the leader of a prestigious organization in college, getting promoted at work, being patted on the back for being a good wife/husband, mom/dad, to getting so many “likes” on Facebook and having the most number of followers in Twitter……it is so easy for us to be driven by how people would view us and “approve” of us. It is so easy to forget the very reason why we do things, why we should give our best, why we should try to become better….and just resort to doing all these in order to satisfy our approval addiction.

Perhaps we are this way because God made us so. When He created us and the whole universe, He made it a point to stop and affirm the beauty of His creation. “It is good!“, He would say. Maybe this was the first thing that Adam heard, and why this is usually the first thing we long to hear. But then sin entered the picture. Now, because of sin, we can never be good. And because we fall short of God’s glory, we tend to search for that “It is good!” sign of approval elsewhere, forgetting that the story of mankind doesn’t end with falling short and with sin. Jesus entered the picture. He fulfilled all the good that God required….all the good that we can never fulfill. I am reminded of what Tullian Tchividjian said:

Because Jesus was strong for me, I am free to be weak;

Because Jesus won for me, I am free to lose;

Because Jesus was Someone, I am free to be no one;

Because Jesus was extraordinary, I am free to be ordinary;

Because Jesus succeeded for me, I am free to fail.

I am free to lose. I am free to be weak, I am free to be no one, I am free to be ordinary, I am free to be myself and not have to prove myself because now I know that I, in fact, have nothing to prove. The only reason why I can now once again hear God say “Good job, my child!” is not because of anything I have done or am doing now but because of what Jesus has done for me.

Going back to our little people….our children will always be asking for our approval and affirmation. With each art project and each milestone, our children will be waiting for our applause. Is this wrong? Not necessarily. It is just a reflection of what their hearts desire. But we need to show them that what they truly should long for is not their parents’ approval, but that of their Maker. And if they are old enough, maybe we can explain to them that if they believe in what Christ did for them on the cross, they already do have God’s seal of approval, and they don’t have to prove themselves anymore. They don’t need to get their “fix” from other people anymore. They are loved. They are accepted. They are approved of….unconditionally.

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photo: truthtalk.com.nz