We just came from a seminar on Relational Transformation by Dr. Greg Mitchell. I wish I could relay everything he taught here, but I might not do justice to it. Allow me to share one point he mentioned, though, that I think is very applicable in parenting our children. It was this term, “compromise“.

We normally view compromise as a good thing, right? Whenever our kids fight over a toy, we ask them how they could compromise. Whenever our kids ask something from us, they usually know they can negotiate until both parties (the parent and the child) come to a compromise.

Compromise has been such a helpful “tool” for us to get some “peace and quiet” in our households. Most of the time, the whining ends….until the next episode.

The problem with compromise is, people only do it to get what they want. The pattern of thought that plays in the brain (and the heart) is, “This is what I want, and the only way for me to get what I want is to do what you want…. and just so that I can still get what I want, fine! I’ll do a bit of what you want.” The motivation is still….to gratify oneself. What about me? What’s in it for me? Me, me, me!!!

This brings the question: Is this what we really want to teach our children— To learn to compromise??  To learn to navigate around other people’s desires so eventually they too can get what they  want for themselves? How is this any different from self-centeredness under the guise of concern and consideration for other people?

What if we try another tool— that of no compromise? What if instead of teaching our children how to compromise, we teach them to just love instead? This would mean that instead of facilitating them to think “How can you give so that you can still get what you want?”, we train them to “just give“. This would mean we help them go against their natural thought processes and train them to process things in the light of loving others—”How can I demonstrate love in this situation?“.

I know this approach will probably take more time to process with our kids. Going for this would entail more commitment in that we won’t see immediate “peace and quiet” during playtime. It would mean constantly reminding them of God’s unconditional love, praying that they will experience it, so that they are empowered to give it to others, too. They cannot give what they do not have, after all. They cannot share what they have not experienced. Going for this “No Compromise” approach would mean that we do not rely on natural reasoning and logic for our children to understand, but that we rely on God to reveal His love to them– the kind of love that gave up His Son for us; the kind of love through which our children too, can give.

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photos: spiritus-contra-spiritum.blogspot.com

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