Approval Addiction


We brought the kids to a play place yesterday. A few months ago, bringing them to a place like this would not have been worth it, since they used to get overwhelmed by the high slides and huge play area. Yesterday was different— Alyanna actually maximized what they had there. Mika, on the other hand, well…was herself. She tried to be more courageous, but for the most part was still scared.
I wish I brought a camera with me. (Why do I always forget this particular note to self to always bring my camera?!?!) Alyanna was having the time of her life sliding down what she considered were “giant” slides. Each time she slid down, she made sure I was watching her. She wanted me to cheer for her and later on applaud her for her courage.

Mom! Look mom!!!”
“Mom! Am I brave??”
“Mom! Is this nice??”
“Mom! Am I pretty in this dress??”
“Mom! Look! Did I do a good job??”

It wasn’t just yesterday’s bravery she wanted me to take note of. Almost every time, Alyanna would seek my approval and affirmation. She needs to hear that she did a good job. She needs to hear that she’s beautiful. She needs to hear that her work is nice. And I see the same thing in Mika….and in other kids…and in other grown-ups….and in myself. 🙂

Us humans are generally hungry for approval and affirmation. Some psychologists would call this the basic need of belongingness, or basic need of being loved. Others would call this insecurity. Whatever it really is, I just know that a lot of us tend to function with this need in mind— “I need to belong. I need to be accepted. I need to be appreciated. I need to be loved.”. We tend to respond to people and our relationships according to this craving. We are generally approval addicts. It’s no wonder why it is so easy to get offended by someone who regards us negatively, and why we tend to favor people who we know actually favor us. It’s no wonder why there are many who put up a front and pretend to be someone they’re not, for fear of being frowned at. From getting “Wow! Good job!” exclamations in Kindergarten, to getting high grades during the elementary years, to being part of the varsity in high school, becoming the leader of a prestigious organization in college, getting promoted at work, being patted on the back for being a good wife/husband, mom/dad, to getting so many “likes” on Facebook and having the most number of followers in Twitter……it is so easy for us to be driven by how people would view us and “approve” of us. It is so easy to forget the very reason why we do things, why we should give our best, why we should try to become better….and just resort to doing all these in order to satisfy our approval addiction.

Perhaps we are this way because God made us so. When He created us and the whole universe, He made it a point to stop and affirm the beauty of His creation. “It is good!“, He would say. Maybe this was the first thing that Adam heard, and why this is usually the first thing we long to hear. But then sin entered the picture. Now, because of sin, we can never be good. And because we fall short of God’s glory, we tend to search for that “It is good!” sign of approval elsewhere, forgetting that the story of mankind doesn’t end with falling short and with sin. Jesus entered the picture. He fulfilled all the good that God required….all the good that we can never fulfill. I am reminded of what Tullian Tchividjian said:

Because Jesus was strong for me, I am free to be weak;

Because Jesus won for me, I am free to lose;

Because Jesus was Someone, I am free to be no one;

Because Jesus was extraordinary, I am free to be ordinary;

Because Jesus succeeded for me, I am free to fail.

I am free to lose. I am free to be weak, I am free to be no one, I am free to be ordinary, I am free to be myself and not have to prove myself because now I know that I, in fact, have nothing to prove. The only reason why I can now once again hear God say “Good job, my child!” is not because of anything I have done or am doing now but because of what Jesus has done for me.

Going back to our little people….our children will always be asking for our approval and affirmation. With each art project and each milestone, our children will be waiting for our applause. Is this wrong? Not necessarily. It is just a reflection of what their hearts desire. But we need to show them that what they truly should long for is not their parents’ approval, but that of their Maker. And if they are old enough, maybe we can explain to them that if they believe in what Christ did for them on the cross, they already do have God’s seal of approval, and they don’t have to prove themselves anymore. They don’t need to get their “fix” from other people anymore. They are loved. They are accepted. They are approved of….unconditionally. 🙂

 

 

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photo: truthtalk.com.nz